Clipmarks | Sex jokes Clips

I think Santa Claus is a woman

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 16:06:57 GMT

clipped by: prem4321

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Tags: jokes, funny, picture, comedy

Oral sex

Sun, 14 Sep 2008 04:08:41 GMT

clipped by: dakotayii
clipper's remarks: "Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom ... And she yells, 'Fuck You!!!!!' and I holler back, 'Fuck You too.' "

Clip Source: losangeles.craigslist.org

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.

His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time ...and maybe do it several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.

Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year..... maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

Tags: jokes

Five Reasons “Entourage” Ratings Are Terrible This Season

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 11:27:41 GMT

clipped by: slappywhyte
clipper's remarks: Interesting

Clip Source: megasizzle.com

Five Reasons “Entourage” Ratings Are Terrible This Season

1. Piven’s just c*nty. The feuding with former-BFF John Cusack, the public asshatery. I’ve liked the guy since PCU, but he’s leaving a bad taste in the mouths of American viewers. Also? SUCH a hairpiece.

2. The show’s gone nowhere. Five seasons in, and the characters haven’t grown. Vince continues to f*ck chicks indiscriminately and choose ill-fated “passion” projects over wise career moves. Turtle’s still thug lite, Eric still complains.

3. It’s Sex and the City for guys, and guys don’t watch as much TV. Plus, SatC sharted fading in its fifth season as well.

4. Andrien Grenier’s beard.

But now? No one cares. I watched, and it was funny, but I sort of felt like I had heard all the jokes before. Now, I’m no industry analyst, but here are five difinitive reasons why Entourage is a sinking ship.

Tags: entourage, hbo, jeremy piven

Late-Night Jokes about Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin

Sat, 06 Sep 2008 00:01:47 GMT

clipped by: lifecyce1898

Clip Source: politicalhumor.about.com

"She said at her church, Governor Palin, said she asked everyone to pray for a natural gas pipeline, which she said was God's will. And today, God said, 'Hey lady, I don't deal with oil companies. That's more Satan's area.'" --Jay Leno

"Speaking of Sarah Palin, she said she's a life-long member of the National Rifle Association. Which may explain why she's in favor of shotgun weddings." --Conan O'Brien

"Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has many views. She says she's opposed to same-sex marriage. Did you know that? Yeah, Palin says everyone knows marriage isn't for gay people; it's for pregnant teenagers." --Conan O'Brien

"And how are you going to be the vice president of the United States with five kids to take care of? She's got a four-month-old of her own, she's about to become a grandmother, and she's partnered with John McCain. How many diapers can one woman possibly change?" --Jimmy Kimmel

Three kind of sex

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 05:57:26 GMT

clipped by: dakotayii
clipper's remarks: Don't ask

Clip Source: ifyouseesomething.net

Tags: jokes

Navy Invented Sex

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 21:12:28 GMT

clipped by: DeMaistre

Clip Source: strategypage.com

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.

'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'

The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'

Tags: humor, jokes

Rapper Ludacris - Obama Is Here Video

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 08:56:58 GMT

clipped by: merrie
clipper's remarks: Sen. Barack Obama, D-Ill., and rapper Ludacris met in the senator’s Chicago office. The rapper said talking to the politician was like meeting with a relative.

paint the White House black and I’m sure that’s got ‘em terrified
McCain don’t belong in ANY chair unless he’s paralyzed
Yeah I said it cause Bush is mentally handicapped
Ball up all of his speeches and I throw em like candy wrap
cause what you talking I hear nothing even relevant
and you the worst of all 43 presidents
get out and vote or the end will be near
the world is ready for change because Obama is here!
cause Obama is here
The world is ready for change because Obama is here!

Clip Source: sweetness-light.com

A very moving tribute from one of the foremost thinkers of our times:

[Video]

I’m back on it like I just signed my record deal
yeah the best is here, the Bentley Coup paint is dripping wet, it got sex appeal
never should have hated
you never should’ve doubted him
with a slot in the president’s iPod Obama shattered ‘em
Said I handled his biz and I’m one of his favorite rappers
Well give Luda a special pardon if I’m ever in the slammer
Better yet put him in office, make me your vice president
Hillary hated on you, so that bitch is irrelevant
Jesse talking slick and apologizing for what?
if you said it then you meant it how you want it have a gut!
and all you other politicians trying to hate on my man,
watch us win a majority vote in every state on my man
you can’t stop what’s bout to happen, we bout to make history
the first black president is destined and it’s meant to be
the threats ain’t fazing us, the nooses or the jokes
so get off your ass, black people, it’s time to get out and vote!

Tags: obama, ludacris, hillary, jesse jackson, john mccain

Things That Change After College...

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 08:03:47 GMT

clipped by: hitchhiker08
clipper's remarks: You can see the entire list - I chose the ones I identified with!

Clip Source: www.misscellania.com

Things That Change After College

1. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

4. Your fantasies of having sex with three women with lesbian tendencies are replaced by fantasies of having sex with anyone at all.

8. You don't get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a club.

12. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

13. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

15. You go to the pharmacy for Asprin and antacids, not Condoms and pregnancy test kits.

16. A £2.50 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

17. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the music.

19. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

20. You always know where you are when you wake up.

23. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

24. You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.

Tags: college, humor, campus, education, girls, dating, drinking, smoking, music, sex

Food For Thought On Memorial Day

Wed, 21 May 2008 23:19:42 GMT

clipped by: Hana Alberts
clipper's remarks: What do Americans miss about home when they're stationed abroad?

Everything from pizza to sex.

Jokes aside, though, it's sobering to think about people just like us in service overseas. Let's try to think about them a little bit more this weekend.

Clip Source: www.forbes.com

Missing America

From family and friends to sex and alcohol, the men and women stationed in Iraq and Afghanistan find themselves missing every part of their lives back home. Many spend days remembering their favorite things about their hometowns--Chicago style pizza, quahogs or the local eateries. Some, of course, find it easier to just avoid thinking about these things--otherwise they miss home even more.

Allison Paganetti, a first lieutenant stationed in Baghdad, explains, "Little luxuries like a hot bath and wearing makeup and clothes other than a uniform are slowly climbing up my list of priorities." Paganetti was 2005's Miss Rhode Island and competed in the same year's Miss USA pageant. A career in the military is an unexpected route for a beauty queen, but she knew it was the right choice.

Best Programming Jokes

Fri, 09 May 2008 06:17:39 GMT

clipped by: mohammadi

Clip Source: www.devtopics.com

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.

There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.

Programming is like sex:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp.

genie

but only one wish

"I'd want peace in the Middle East."

The genie responds

I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.

"Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes."

the genie responds, "Um, let me see that map again."

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike.

"Where'd you get that?"

"While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want'."

"Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

Tags: joke, programming, programmer

I'm tired of being treated like a number...

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 02:20:45 GMT

clipped by: apple white

Clip Source: gawker.com

In record time, the Spitzer "Client #9" scandal has been turned into an ad for Virgin Mobile in Canada [click to enlarge]. Another ad in the series shows Hillary Clinton with a thought bubble saying "I wish my bill wasn't so out of control." Hey, only blogs are allowed to make sex jokes that blatant. The next ad up in the series will reportedly be Barack Obama—what trite slogan will they come up with for him? Ideas in the comments. We'll send the best one to Virgin Mobile, to be ignored.

Clip Source: cache.gawker.com

Tags: advertising

Shakie Shakie!

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 22:25:53 GMT

clipped by: 4freedomstantra
clipper's remarks: The man just smiles and says, "Parkinson's."

Clip Source: www.askaboutloveandsex.com

An elderly woman moves into a nursing home. Her daughter helps her unpack and get settled in. After a few days, the woman notices a male resident who sits out on the porch every day, all by himself. She decides to go over and talk to him.

She asks if she can sit with him awhile. He looks at her for a second and says, "Yeah, you can, but only if you'll hold my dick." At first she's horrified and outraged. But then she thinks, "He's lonely, I'm lonely…" Finally, she agrees. She gets a blanket to put over their laps and she sits next to him every day, holding his dick.

After a few weeks, her daughter comes to take her mother for a weekend visit. When the woman returns to the nursing home, the first thing she sees is the man on the porch next to another elderly woman. They have a blanket across their laps. The first woman knows what the second woman is doing. She storms up the steps and starts yelling at the man.

"What does SHE have that I don't have?!" she screams.

Tags: fun, humor, sex jokes, joke, funny

FOX: The Pants are Off the Girls!!!

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 18:54:29 GMT

clipped by: righthand
clipper's remarks: "And then Earhardt coyly continues, "Would you like us to wear pants, Brian?" "No, no!" Brian exclaims. (She does have great legs, I admit.) "It's very hard to please Brian," a second female anchor jokes. And then Brian, who sounds like a great guy, announces, "If I were to run for office, I would run on a pro-skirt platform. I am firmly behind the skirts." Another male anchor adds, "You're firmly behind the skirts? Is that what you just said?"

At this point, the second female anchor interjects, a bit sternly, "I think you should stop now."

Uhhhh...yeah.

What's interesting here is that Earhardt said not "we don't wear pants," but "we don't wear the pants." It would have made sense for Earhardt to say "we are feminine, (ergo) we don't wear pants," which of course would not have been actually true but would have been stereotypically true insofar as the Western construct of feminine appearance. But Earhardt says, "here at Fox we like to be feminine, so we don't wear the pants." A

Clip Source: www.alternet.org

Who Wears the Pants in the Media?

A female Fox news anchor asserts that "Here at Fox we like to be feminine, so we don't wear the pants." What does that mean for female journalists?

I can still see the sorority of always giggling, liberally lip-glossed, buxom TV anchor-esses. Doubtlessly hired for their Columbia Journalism School degrees and hardnosed critical analysis, right?

As a (prickly feminist) young woman in journalism who wants to be taken seriously for my tenacity and reportage, that's frustrating to watch. To say the least.

On Sunday's Fox & Friends, a male anchor hands the broadcast over to a female anchor, cracks a joke about pants suits (gee, who do we think they were talking about?) and asks her, "Have you ever worn a pantsuit? Are you a pantsuit woman?"

Ainsley Earhardt -- the anchor-ess -- tucks her hair behind her ears and replies, "I have! But, see, here at Fox we like to be feminine, so we don't wear the pants."

oyly continues, "Would you like us to wear pants, Brian?

Tags: :fox, media, sex, females

Gender Stereotypes Underlie Sex Segregated Education

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 16:07:08 GMT

clipped by: digits
clipper's remarks: Gender stereotypes are still one of the last bastions of socially acceptable disparages.

Clip Source: digits.stumbleupon.com

Gender Stereotypes Underlie Sex Segregated Education
"Math is hard" Barbie said once upon a time [1992]. That Barbie quip was swiped from the list of utterances after complaints from educators.

Yes women are different than men. To deny that is not facing facts. But come on. Educating based on gender differences, in itself, relies on stereotypes, doesn't it? Gender stereotypes are still one of the last bastions of socially acceptable disparages.

We would never dream - in this era of Political Correctness to divide classrooms based on race would we? In polite company we'd never tell a racist joke would we? But you can bet...the blonde jokes and women subserviating to men jokes are still alive and well even in polite company.

We're both people bringing different sets of skills and qualities to any situation; even the classroom. Is an apple any less of a fruit than an orange?

One more thing. Don't read the referenced op-ed unless you want to scream.
And yeah! Like a girl!

Read the Article

Tags: feminism, gender, gender equality, education

Blond Jokes - 105 of them

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 03:28:28 GMT

clipped by: skwirlinator

Clip Source: docs.google.com

BLONDE (105 JOKES)

WHY DO BLONDES HAVE "TGIF" PRINTED ON THEIR SHOES? TOES GOT IN FIRST.

DO YOU KNOW WHY BLONDES HAVE "TGIF" PRINTED IN THEIR BRAS? TITS GO IN FIRST.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE 2 BLONDES THAT WANTED TO GO TO DISNEYLAND? AS THEY WERE DRIVING NORTH ON THE FREEWAY THEY SAW A SIGN THAT SAID "DISNEYLAND LEFT" SO THEY RETURNED HOME.

WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY WHEN SHE WOKE UP UNDERNEATH A COW? "DO I HAVE TO COOK BREAKFAST FOR ALL OF YOU GUYS?"

WHY ARE BLONDE JOKES SO SHORT? SO BRUNETTES CAN SAY THEM.

WHAT DO YOU CALL TWELVE BLONDES IN A VOLKSWAGEN? FAR-FROM-THINKIN!

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT WAS IN THE DEPT. STORE WHEN THERE WAS A POWER OUTAGE? SHE WAS STUCK ON THE ESCALATOR FOR 2 HRS.!

AFTER HAVING SEX, HOW DOES A BLONDE TURN ON THE LIGHTS? SHE OPENS THE CAR DOOR.

WHAT IS A BLONDE'S FAVORITE NURSERY RHYME? HUMPME DUMPME.

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU PUT A DOLLAR ON A BLONDE'S HEAD? ALL YOU CAN EAT UNDER A BUCK.

WHAT DO BLONDES USUALLY GET ON THEIR IQ TEST? NAIL POLISH.

Tags: jokes, blond, crude, rude, sick, funny, demented