Clipmarks | Jokes Clips

Jokes 20081009 06:15 PM

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 00:15:35 GMT

clipped by: ricardoviana

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''''I''m Eddie, I''m here to pick up Betty. We''re going for spaghetti, is she ready?''''

"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''''I''m Joe, I''m here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''''Hello, my name is Chuck.''''

The farmer shot Chuck.

Family Law

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 04:15:13 GMT

clipped by: altruistlass

Clip Source: jenniferbarnett.com

Family law disputes are some of the most emotional, intensely personal types of cases that people encounter. That should be no surprise, as the foundation of a person's peace and familiarity with their home life are completely altered in such proceedings. Divorces and custody litigation can affect where you will live, how often you are allowed to see your children, how you will spend your paycheck, and may even dictate who can spend the night at your house. Accusations of domestic violence, criminal mischief, and interference with a "911" call may be crossover cases that develop out of unpleasant interactions during the divorce process. It has been jokingly said that people display temporary insanity and act in crazy ways when going through a divorce and/or custody battle. But undercurrents of truth remain in such jokes. People act in unusual and unpredictable ways when their security and home life are abruptly disrupted.

The Law Office of Jennifer Barnett, P.C.

Tags: divorce attorney plano

why there are blonde jokes

Tue, 07 Oct 2008 16:20:56 GMT

clipped by: jwi615

Clip Source: www.commentbuddy.com

An American Carol: Funny Movie Lampoons Left

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 08:50:43 GMT

clipped by: Cezanne777
clipper's remarks: David Zucker, director of Airplane! and The Naked Gun, has made a new movie. As a right-wing comedy from a left-wing town, it should be historic, if nothing else.

Clip Source: www.baltimoresun.com

Brave movie serves up silly jokes with a serious point

Americans numbed by the daily barrage of politics-as-usual are about to be awakened by some new fireworks - Hollywood-style. Imagine documentary filmmaker Michael Moore and director David Zucker (Airplane! and The Naked Gun) in the center ring, and you begin to get the idea.

An American Carol may not be The Best Movie You Ever Saw, but it's radical in its assault on the left wing; it's brave given the risk of peer ridicule and the potential for career suicide. It will probably be panned by jaded reviewers who will point out its flaws. But the film makes a serious and necessary point that can't be missed amid the laughter and the outrage: America is not the enemy.

Tags: movie, silly, jokes, politics, an american carol, kelsey grammer

I think Santa Claus is a woman

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 16:06:57 GMT

clipped by: prem4321

Clip Source: www.j4jokes.net

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Tags: jokes, funny, picture, comedy

Homemade Christmas Crackers

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 12:49:08 GMT

clipped by: rosetrees
clipper's remarks: Instructions for making your own Christmas crackers.

Clip Source: www.itschristmas.org.uk

Homemade Christmas Crackers
Instructions for making your own Christmas Crackers
I made crackers for many years. I started by saving the insides of toilet rolls and kitchen roll holders. You can buy the snaps and use coloured papers to make the outsides of the crackers. You can also buy sheets of ready printed cracker jokes and packets of hats.

The best thing about making your own crackers is that you can buy specific gifts for each person. Do be careful to buy small items, so they will fit inside the crackers.

This is how I used to make the crackers.

Tags: make christmas crackers, homemade christmas crackers

Computer Viruses

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 09:25:31 GMT

clipped by: murieleileen

Clip Source: halife.com

Computer Viruses

Watch for these computer viruses

• Healthcare Virus: Tests your system, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

• Texas Virus: Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.

• Gallop Virus: 60 percent of PCs lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time, plus or minus 3.5 percent.

• Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all diagnostics say everything is fine.

• Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Tags: computer, humor, jokes, viruses

Sarah To Gwen: "After the debate, I'm going to read your book"

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 05:57:01 GMT

clipped by: merrie
clipper's remarks: Sarah makes a funny joke about lame jokes - Biden can only grin - and it worked in her favor. She's making Biden look stiff by comparison.

This is really Legally Blonde. "They think I'm superficial, but if I just buckle down..."

And she's right!

Clip Source: www.dailygut.com

Biden, says - where's the plan. Now he's droning. He says he's going to end the war, but how? I am troubled by that question, and his eyebrows.

Palin calls it a "white flag of surrender." That made him grin like a maniacal pumpkin. She's also nailing him again. I like "that's another story." I'm using that, from now on!

Biden is like the teacher forced to debate the student, and everyone thinks the student is cute. And it's getting under his collar.

Palin nails Biden on flip-flopping on the war, and she does it like an attractive hot chick with a brain.

Holy crap - what did Biden just say? "god forbid there would be a Biden administration!" God forbid!!!

So, Biden spends a lot of time at Home Depot. What's he buying? Hair gel? Grout for his teeth?

"say it ain't so Joe." "her reward is his heaven." "extra credit for watching the debate." How can you not love that!

Biden - NICE SUIT. That and his eye lift/botox has had the biggest impact, for him.

He's Joan Rivers without the punchlines.

Tags: political satire/humor, gov palin, sen biden, gwen ifill, debate moderator

collect

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 04:32:12 GMT

clipped by: cboewe

Clip Source: www.netlibrary.com

1. Collect evidence

Be sure to save any offensive letters, photographs, cards or notes you receive. And if you were made to feel uncomfortable because of jokes, pin-ups or cartoons posted at work, confiscate them—or at least make copies. An anonymous, obnoxious photo or joke posted on a bulletin board is not anyone else's personal property, so you are free to take it down and keep it as evidence. If that's not possible, photograph the workplace walls. Note the dates the offensive material was posted—and whether there were hostile reactions when you took it down or asked another person to do so.

Clip Source: www.netlibrary.com

Sexual Harassment On the Job : What It Is & How to Stop It

chacha

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 15:35:00 GMT

clipped by: sonyal

Clip Source: forum.chacha.com

A girl might like you if she smiles, flirts, laughs at your jokes and tries to be near you without being obvious.

The Magic 8 Ball says, "Outlook, not so good." But who believes in those things anyway. Thanks for doing the ChaCha with me!

The Magic 8 Ball says, "Yes!". Thanks for doing the ChaCha with me! Text back soon.

ChaCha's answers are free. Standard text message rates may apply according to your cell phone provider and plan. ChaCha!

Sometimes ChaCha’s free answers are sponsored by advertisers. See http://m.chacha.com/ads to learn more.

Guides are paid on a per transaction basis. To find out more about becoming a Guide, visit ChaCha.com. ChaCha for now!

The Bugatti Veyron at $1,192,057 is by far the most expensive street legal car available on the market today. ChaCha over and out!

Was this who you are looking for? ChaCha!

Clip Source: addons.mozilla.org

Add to Firefox

Updated June 2, 2008

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funny quotes jokes

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 11:34:14 GMT

clipped by: prem4321

Clip Source: jokes.4sql.net

jokes

Clip Source: jokes.4sql.net

Writers Quotes

Writers Quotes

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

I never know what I think about something until I read what I’ve written on it.

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn’t change one word. The word they didn’t change was on page 87.

I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I’m one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous.

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.

The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

Tags: entertaining, famous, funniest, sense, word, writers, writing
Posted in Funny Quotes | Edit | No Comments »

Three Jokes, Three Theories of Humour

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 09:10:06 GMT

clipped by: abailart

Clip Source: www.prospect-magazine.co.uk

the "incongruity" theory—that's Kant (also Pascal, Schopenhauer)—says humour is a matter of the logical abruptly dissolving into the absurd. "Do you believe in clubs for children?" WC Fields was asked. "Only when kindness fails," he said.

told to me by one of my students at a Catholic girls' school. "Mr Holt, what's better than roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ."

"relief" theory of humour—that's Freud (also Spencer)—says that humour allows us to get around our inhibitions. The set-up fools our inner censor, and the punchline liberates repressed impulses.

"superiority" theory—that's Hobbes (also Plato, Bergson)—locates the essence of humour in the "sudden glory" we feel at the humiliation of others. It suits jokes about cuckolds, racist jokes and put-downs, like:

Angry guy walks into a bar, says to the bartender, "All agents are assholes."

The guy sitting at the end of the bar says, "Just a minute, I resent that."

"Why? You an agent?"

"No. I'm an asshole."

Tags: humour, jokes

Palin Supports Billing Rape Victims For Services Rendered

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 04:39:04 GMT

clipped by: orgone_bosco

Clip Source: xomba.com

Latest Disturbing Sarah Palin Shocker: Rape Victims Should Be Billed For Police Work

points

George Bush is often cited as a guy you could sit down with and exchange jokes while drinking from a beer bong during a football game. There may very well be some truth to that.

Similarly, Sarah Palin may very well be a lot of fun to hang out with by the pool in her swim suit in between rounds of Marco Polo.

Before the Alaskan legislature and the democratic governor enacted a law to change this practice, the town of Wasilla billed rape victims, who went to the police in hopes of tracking down the low life who violated them, up to $1,200 for the cost of the 'rape kit'.
Mayor Palin thought this was a peachy idea and did not see the need to change the policy of the Wasilla police.

Bill the victim. How disgusting.

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Quotations about Life

Sat, 27 Sep 2008 10:40:08 GMT

clipped by: thisnamecantbetaken
clipper's remarks: Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee,
And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
~ Robert Frost

Lots more at the source.

Clip Source: www.quotegarden.com

Quotations about Life

The purpose of life is a life of purpose.

Life is simple, its just not easy.

A life without cause is a life without effect.

Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't.

Life's not always fair.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.

Life is the hyphen between matter and spirit.

My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.

Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets.

I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it.

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.

Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once.

We are born wet, naked, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Life is what we make it

The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Palin is Scary

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 18:08:49 GMT

clipped by: oscarrob
clipper's remarks: She has officially moved into the realm of truly frightening. I used to believe I could vote for McCain but that has become impossible. Palin should not be allowed near the White House let alone within a heartbeat of the Presidency. This interview should not have been difficult (Katie is no Sam Donaldson) or surprising (do you think you might get asked about something you have been repeatedly asked about). She did not rise to the level of small town mayor or governor, let alone Vice President

Clip Source: www.nytimes.com

On the “CBS Evening News” on Thursday, Katie Couric asked Ms. Palin, Senator John McCain’s running mate, what she meant when she cited Alaska’s proximity to Russia as foreign affairs experience. Ms. Palin could have anticipated the question — the topic of their interview, pegged to her visit to the United Nations, was foreign affairs. Yet Ms. Palin’s answer was surprisingly wobbly: her words tumbled out fast and choppily, like an outboard motor loosened from the stern.

“That Alaska has a very narrow maritime border between a foreign country, Russia, and on our other side, the land — boundary that we have with — Canada,” she replied. She mentioned the jokes made at her expense and seemed for a moment at a loss for the word “caricature.” “It — it’s funny that a comment like that was — kind of made to — cari — I don’t know, you know? Reporters —”

Tags: palin, republicans, mccain, vice president, campaign