Clipmarks | tabsey's 'humour' clips

Conspiracy Theories (humour)

Sat, 06 Sep 2008 12:43:28 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: Couldn't resist this one.

Clip Source: www.motivatedphotos.com

Tags: fun

AMA GONNA GIT ME A NIGGRA, SAYS PALIN

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 10:08:25 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: Love the Daily Mash. Great fun

Clip Source: www.thedailymash.co.uk

REPUBLICAN vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin last night wowed the party convention as she pledged to 'git me one uppity niggra'.

'Lyle, git ma 12-gauge!'
She told cheering crowds that Democrat rival Barak Obama was a 'struttin' round here likes he done own the place' before making a series of veiled threats and menacing gestures.

Palin said: "Look at this boy, prancin' round like he's the cock o' the walk. Shootin' his mouth off like a God-damn rooster. When'd these sum-bitches learn book readin' any how?

"Well, he can crow all he wants but you all knows whats we be doin' with niggras who don't be showin' us no respect..."

"Ah says we gitta bunch a boys together and take this 'Mr' Obama for a little ride. How's about it? Y'all up for a little dance?"

Tags: humour

FRENCH TRADER WAS FORCED TO WORK 30 HOURS A WEEK

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 12:51:19 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: Daily Mash

Clip Source: www.thedailymash.co.uk

FRIENDS of rogue trader Jerome Kerviel last night blamed his $7 billion losses on unbearable levels of stress brought on by a punishing 30 hour week.

Kerviel hid his November losses in a batch of wonderfully fresh croissant

Kerviel was known to start work as early as nine in the morning and still be at his desk at five or even five-thirty, often with just an hour and a half for lunch.

One colleague said: "He was, how you say, une workaholique. I have a family and a mistress so I would leave the office at around 2pm at the latest, if I wasn't on strike.

"But Jerome was tied to that desk. One day I came back to the office at 3pm because I had forgotten my stupid little hat, and there he was, fast asleep on the photocopier.

"At first I assumed he had been having sex with it, but then I remembered he'd been working for almost six hours."

As the losses mounted, Kerviel tried to conceal his bad trades by covering them with an intense red wine sauce, later switching to delicate pastry horns.

Tags: humour

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 10:33:39 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: Part of an blog by Peter Hitchins for the Daily Mash. I love the way he "handles" Dawkins.

Clip Source: www.thedailymash.co.uk

Sometimes I like to hang upside down and read a book. A recent upside down literary experience involved a book by the Oxford dog-strangler Richard Dawkins. Mr Dawkins latest 'theory' calls for Satan to be made lord of the universe, while the armies of the gay kick down your door and force you to dress in a kaftan made from hemp.

'Mr' Dawkins 'supports' his 'theories' with 'science'. Well, Mr Dawkins, in case you were too busy squirting acid at monkeys to notice - this is England. So you can take your 'science' and your 'reason' and your 'thoughts' and just fuck right off.

You will not be surprised to hear that both Mr Miliband and Mr Cameron intend to make Mr Dawkins the next Archbishop of Canterbury. It's enough to make you want thrash yourself so very, very hard across the thighs and buttocks.

Tags: humour, can, be, humerous

'2012 Games to be held in Beijing too'

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 10:45:11 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: Seems the Chinese are using humour to combat the intrusion of the Games.

Clip Source: www.theage.com.au

"News flash: IOC President Jacques Rogge announces that because of China's enthusiasm and thoughtfulness, the next Olympics are going to be in Beijing too. Rumour has it state officials fainted and Beijing police led the wild cheers. Damn you, old man Rogge!"

Other Chinese have had fun messing around with word games, the tonal Chinese language being a gift to jokers, because a single pronunciation can have several wildly different meanings.

Thought the tender song You and Me at the opening of the Beijing Olympics was about peace and friendship? More like rising oil and food prices, some Chinese are saying.

"The Chinese name of the theme tune You and Me is 'You (oil) and Mi (rice)', an expression of concern about this year's oil and food problems ...," runs a Chinese-language joke being circulated online.

"Roll on the end of the Olympics," a poster wrote on another Chinese website, applauding the new phrase.

Tags: humour

EVERYONE PRETENDING TO HAVE READ THE GULAG ARCHIPELAGO

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 12:40:24 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: Meanwhile Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin last night issued a statement saying he was 70-80% sure he had nothing to do with Solzhenitsyn's death.

Clip Source: www.thedailymash.co.uk

A RECORD number of people were last night claiming to have read The Gulag Archipelago by Alexander Solzhenitsyn.

The 1981 film version starring Michael Caine and Pele
Following the death of the Russian literary giant, an estimated 22 million people across the UK said 'Gulag' was a brilliant book which they had read at university.

Tom Logan, an advertising copywriter, said: "I loved that bit with the tiger. You know when it comes into the archipelago and starts eating all the sheep?

"But all the children really love it and they try and tame it but it eats them too and it's totally symbolic of Stalin and stuff."

Emma Hartley, a solicitor, added: "Yeah the bit with the tiger is good, but what about the bit with the football match?

"They're all trying to escape from the archipelago so they challenge the Germans to this big match.

Tags: humour, is, close, to, the, truth

'World's oldest joke' traced back to 1900 BC

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 04:47:56 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: History can make you smile.

Clip Source: www.abc.net.au

The world's oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC and suggests toilet humour was as popular with the ancients as it is today, British academics say.

The joke is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq, and goes: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

It heads the world's Oldest Top 10 joke list published by the University of Wolverhampton.

A 1600 BC gag about a pharaoh, said to be King Snofru, comes second. "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons. "What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? A key."

Tags: wherever, you, be, let, your, wind, flow, free

Based on some comments at Clipmarks recently

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 12:27:32 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: Humour?

Clip Source: www.bartcop.com

Tags: prophets, of, doom

RONNIE WOOD FINALLY SLOWS DOWN

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 16:01:49 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: Daily Mash, say no more.

Clip Source: www.thedailymash.co.uk

ROLLING Stone Ronnie Wood has ditched his punishing regime of endless cocaine binges for the more sedate lifestyle of month-long drinking sessions with Russian barmaids.

Wood enjoys wandering round his local golf course at two o'clock in the morning
Friends of Wood are relieved that, at the age of 61, he is finally slowing down and devoting more of his time to vodka and teenage girls.

One source close to the superstar said: "Ronnie was a workaholic. He would spend up to three weeks without sleep, constantly looking for new holes to put cocaine into.

"His only respite would be the hourly break to drink absinthe and have dangerously acrobatic sex with nine of the women queuing outside the hotel."

The source added: "There's only so long you can keep that up before your body says, 'enough is enough - it's time to drink nothing but vodka and stick to one teenager at a time'."

Another close friend said: "For Ronnie this is a bit like taking up gardening or golf.

Tags: humour

Can robots take control

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 15:18:07 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: Been a few clips on the intelligence possible with robots lately.

Clip Source: www.sparehed.com

Tags: humour

Origin of the Novel Species Noodleous doubleous: Evidence for Intelligent Design

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 13:17:41 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: Hard to clip but worth a look. Great humour

Clip Source: www.fred.net

Abstract

Penne Rigate will spontaneously insert itself into Rigatoni (order pasta) under liquid to gas transition conditions of H₂O to create the previously unobserved species Noodleous doubleous. The estimated probability of this spontaneous generation event is too low to be explained by thermodynamics and therefore apparently represents intelligent design.

Introduction

It has been claimed by Intelligent Design advocates^* that patterns observed in nature with a sufficiently low probability provide direct evidence for intelligent design, i.e., God. Here I report evidence for the spontaneous formation of a new life form in a prebiotic pasta soup.

Materials and Methods

Tags: humour

STARS GATHER TO SHOW HOW WORTHLESS THEY ARE COMPARED TO NELSON MANDELA

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 10:28:46 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: Daily Mash offering. hehehe

Clip Source: www.thedailymash.co.uk

SOME of the biggest names in showbiz have come together in London to prove how shabby and pointless they are compared to Nelson Mandela.

Lennox and Geldof are each other's heroes
Stars including Emma Thompson, Gordon Ramsay and the Sugababes shared the red carpet to speak about how happy they were that Mandela had not been beaten to death during his 30 years in a South African prison.

Thompson, an actress, said: "Nelson's sacrifice is a constant inspiration to me when I'm being paid £5 million for dressing up and pretending to be someone else."

She added: "I'm sorry, I have to go, I've just spotted Bobby, Pierce and Will sharing a joke with Uma and Elton."

Former US president Bill Clinton said: "I would often think about Nelson Mandela's years of incarceration and his efforts to unite a country so filled with hatred and mistrust when I was shoving cigars into plump young women."

He added: "I'm sorry, I have to go and ask Cherie Blair how much money she's made this year."

Tags: humour

Ha!

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 15:20:34 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: Humour, but not for Trog.

Clip Source: www.dailygalaxy.com

Tags: humour

SWITZERLAND TO BE DEVOURED BY BLACK HOLE

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 12:37:51 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: Daily Mash - humour

Clip Source: www.thedailymash.co.uk

The Large Hadron Collider
Mini-black holes created in the giant underground Large Hadron Collider in Geneva will devour the landlocked alpine country almost instantly after the machine is switched on later this summer.

However, scientists said the rest of earth would escape unharmed, although a small part of south-east France up to Grenoble could also disappear in the worse-case scenario.

Physicist Dr Wayne Hayes said: "This huge and dangerous machine will recreate the exact circumstances that caused the Big Bang. Switzerland just seemed the ideal place for it.

"We were going to bury it under Vanuatu in the south pacific but then we went there, amazing beaches, and the women, out of this world. So we just run it from here.

"After we turn it on you may hear a slight pop followed by some not unpleasant vibrations, unless you are in Switzerland, in which case be sure you are wearing clean underwear."

Tags: humour, but, good

Same mistakes - Humour?

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 16:21:07 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: Fatherly advice.

Clip Source: www.funny-city.com

Tags: humour?