Clipmarks | tabsey's 'humour' clips

Sophisticated Political Commentary of the Day

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 10:37:58 GMT

clipped by: tabsey

Clip Source: cosmicvariance.com

Tags: humour

MORE CHOICE FOR COUPLES TO PRETEND THEY BELIEVE IN GOD

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 13:54:06 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: Daily Mash

Clip Source: www.thedailymash.co.uk

THE Church of England is to offer couples greater choice on where they can lie about believing in God.

Blah, blah Jesus whatever
Previously couples could only get married in the church where they pretended to believe in God on a regular basis, or had made a solemn commitment not to smirk when talking to the vicar.

But the new laws will mean couples can marry in the same church where their parents lied about believing in God, or where their grandparents told the truth about believing in God but had no idea why.

A spokesman said: "A church provides a beautiful setting to begin your married life with at least one gigantic piece of dishonesty.

"You can make your solemn vows and maintain that vital connection between the generations, even if that connection is little more than a series of bullshit promises based on nothing."

Tags: humour

Friday Silly Science

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 11:14:47 GMT

clipped by: tabsey

Clip Source: cosmicvariance.com

Women are from Maserati, men are from Lamborghini. At least, that’s what science tells us:

To test the theory that high-performance cars get people hot, Moxon had 40 men and women listen to recordings of the three Italian exotics and a Volkswagen Polo. Everyone had significantly more testosterone after hearing the exotics, and all of the women were turned on by the Maserati. The guys, on the other hand, were drawn to the Lamborghini…

As for the Polo? Everyone had less testosterone after listening to it.

The effect could simply be related to Italian cars vs. German cars, of course, rather than the high-performance engines. No word on how Porsches would stack up against Grecavs. Clearly more research needs to be done.

Note that the Wired blog post is entitled “Science Proves Exotic Cars Turn Women On,” but the study indicates that men are turned on as well. A fast car is equal-opportunity sexy.

Tags: science, humour

EVERYONE PRETENDING TO HAVE READ THE GULAG ARCHIPELAGO

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 12:40:24 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: Meanwhile Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin last night issued a statement saying he was 70-80% sure he had nothing to do with Solzhenitsyn's death.

Clip Source: www.thedailymash.co.uk

A RECORD number of people were last night claiming to have read The Gulag Archipelago by Alexander Solzhenitsyn.

The 1981 film version starring Michael Caine and Pele
Following the death of the Russian literary giant, an estimated 22 million people across the UK said 'Gulag' was a brilliant book which they had read at university.

Tom Logan, an advertising copywriter, said: "I loved that bit with the tiger. You know when it comes into the archipelago and starts eating all the sheep?

"But all the children really love it and they try and tame it but it eats them too and it's totally symbolic of Stalin and stuff."

Emma Hartley, a solicitor, added: "Yeah the bit with the tiger is good, but what about the bit with the football match?

"They're all trying to escape from the archipelago so they challenge the Germans to this big match.

Tags: humour, is, close, to, the, truth

Ha!

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 15:20:34 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: Humour, but not for Trog.

Clip Source: www.dailygalaxy.com

Tags: humour

SWITZERLAND TO BE DEVOURED BY BLACK HOLE

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 12:37:51 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: Daily Mash - humour

Clip Source: www.thedailymash.co.uk

The Large Hadron Collider
Mini-black holes created in the giant underground Large Hadron Collider in Geneva will devour the landlocked alpine country almost instantly after the machine is switched on later this summer.

However, scientists said the rest of earth would escape unharmed, although a small part of south-east France up to Grenoble could also disappear in the worse-case scenario.

Physicist Dr Wayne Hayes said: "This huge and dangerous machine will recreate the exact circumstances that caused the Big Bang. Switzerland just seemed the ideal place for it.

"We were going to bury it under Vanuatu in the south pacific but then we went there, amazing beaches, and the women, out of this world. So we just run it from here.

"After we turn it on you may hear a slight pop followed by some not unpleasant vibrations, unless you are in Switzerland, in which case be sure you are wearing clean underwear."

Tags: humour, but, good

FOOT COLLECTORS FLOCK TO CANADA SHORELINE

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 14:24:26 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: The Daily Mash

Clip Source: www.thedailymash.co.uk

The Great Foot Rush of '96
Not since the 1890s have so many feet been washed ashore in the Pacific north west and now speculators are cashing in on the disembodied foot bonanza.

Sitting among more than a dozen bin liners filled with feet, Wayne Hayes from Oregon, said: "It's not just the quantity, it's the quality. I'll get at least $30 for some of these feet."

He added: "For the first time in a decade, I've got a real chance of finding a matching pair."

Tom Logan, who travelled 2500 miles from Kentucky to stake his claim, said: "Look at that bastard Hayes, sittin' there thinking he's the King o' Feet.

"What he don't know is I gots me a real nice foot in a bright red slingback that still got its ankle bracelet. Hee hee hee."

Fortunes were built on the great Canadian Foot Rush of 1896, when brave, desperate men would battle their way across the Rocky Mountains to grab as many feet as they could from the wild Pacific shoreline.

Tags: humour, eases, stress

I'LL BE JUST FINE, SAYS PLANET

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 13:38:46 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: From The Daily Mash.
The planet said environmental campaigners should change their slogan from 'Save the Planet' to something more relevant such as 'Save Your Sorry Arse'.

Clip Source: www.thedailymash.co.uk

THE planet Earth has dismissed claims it is in danger from global warming, stressing the worst that could happen is the extinction of the human race.

'If you don't mind, I've got some orbiting to do'
The Earth spoke out after a series of books, television programmes and environmental campaigns urged people to do everything in their power to 'Save the Planet'.

Earth, 4,000,000,000, said last night: "I'll be absolutely fine, seriously. I might get a bit warmer and a bit wetter, but to be honest, that actually sounds quite nice.

"Try living through an ice age. Pardon my French, but it's absolutely fucking freezing."

The planet, based 93 million miles from the Sun, said it was 'sick and tired' of being drawn into arguments about human behaviour.

"Look, I'm just a planet doing its thing, alright? If you want to live on me, that's your business, but I've got important planet stuff to do, okay?

Tags: humour

Unusual Bathroom Signs

Tue, 06 May 2008 16:29:32 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: Some very funny pictures

Clip Source: www.offbeatearth.com

Tags: humour

Tinfoil Hats, Anal Probes Land at Alien Abduction Fest

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 05:10:02 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: I trust those who have been abducted still have their senses of humour.

Clip Source: www.wired.com

Alien anal-probing "expert" Courtney Arthur, manager of sex shop Come as You Are, shows off the Bendy Beads anal "probe" for Probology 101, one of the events during the Alien Abduction Festival. The informational sessions covered the ins and outs of favored alien probes and what to expect when on the receiving end of such devices.

TORONTO -- Cross sci-fi with crafting and you've got the Alien Abduction Festival, an event built around tinfoil hats, UFOs and the infamous anal probe purportedly conducted by curious extraterrestrials.

The festival, organized by Kris Schantz of custom toy shop Happy Worker, took place March 20 at comic book stores, bookstores and sex-toy shops on Toronto's hip Queen Street West. Attractions included an alien birthing room, tinfoil-hat tailoring, a spaceship factory and informative sessions in Probology 101. There was even a discussion group on how to talk to aliens, led by York University anthropologist Kathryn Denning at Waq-n-Raq restaurant.

Tags: humour

The joy of tech

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 14:27:04 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: Bears from the north, snakes from the south

Clip Source: www.emotionchassepeche.com

Tags: humour

Men are from Mars Women ................

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 13:56:15 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: A joke

Clip Source: www.painteater.com

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental rail.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Tags: humour

9 Telltale Signs You're Probably an Asshole

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 11:47:49 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: Takes all kinds!

Clip Source: www.themishmash.com

1. You wildly overstate your case.

2. You act as if the rules don't apply to you.

3. You preemptively tell others to fuck off.

4. This is your idea of holiday cheer:

5. You really believe it's that simple.

6. Rather than the pedestrian 'Beware of Dog' sign you instead opt for this:

7. You have a five year old do your dirty work.

8. You think you have all the answers.

9. One obnoxious purchase is not enough.

Tags: humour

Amazing home remedies

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 13:35:43 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: 8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

Clip Source: www.itsjustabitoffun.com

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with your partner about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Tags: humour

Who says? Says God.

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 12:12:25 GMT

clipped by: tabsey
clipper's remarks: Too many to fit them all, but these will be deplored by some, laughed at by others and cause a confused reaction in the rest.

Clip Source: www.saysgod.com

I never said, "Thou shalt not think."

Okay, you've got multiplying down. Now let's try replenishing for a while.

I don't care who started it. Just stop it.

If you seek to know my ways, read a damn science book.

You'd better have stopped fighting by the time I get back, or you're all grounded.

Six days? Yeah, right. I'm a scientist, not a magician.

If I wanted you to have seven kids, I would have given you a bigger planet.

You're not tracking those bloody footprints in here.

E=mc². Yeah, that's one of mine.

You can have another kid when you learn to take care of the first one.

The dinosaurs didn't believe in you either.

Excuse me? Where do you see my name on the front of the Bible?

Only six thousand years old? Oh, that's a good one.

Tags: humour