Clipmarks | murieleileen's 'humor' clips

Camping Trip - How to get the kids to help

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 10:22:31 GMT

clipped by: murieleileen

From our Humor files

Camping Trip

The loaded mini-van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."

The father replied, "I have a system: no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

Author Unknown

Tags: camping, trip, humor, kids, campsite

CAT STUFF

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 12:13:11 GMT

clipped by: murieleileen
clipper's remarks: This is a wonderful site for cat lovers - both practical and impractical stuff.

Clip Source: www.xmission.com

This site, online since 1995, celebrates one of the most wonderful creatures in the world: the domestic cat. You'll find graphics, a huge library of articles, games, and much, much more.

Clip Source: www.xmission.com

This site, online since 1995, celebrates one of the most wonderful creatures in the world: the domestic cat. Here in our Library, you'll find tons of cat humor, cat care and behavior information, facts, trivia, stories, fables, fairy tales, and much much more. Visit the rest of CatStuff for more.

CAT HUMOR

An Unlikely Conversation (Upgrade Your Cat)

The Cat Miracle Diet

Cat Translation Dictionary

The Cats are NOT Pampered!

If Your Cat Could Talk ....

CAT CARE AND REFERENCE

Plants that are Toxic to Your Cat

Plants that are Okay for Your Cat

Substances that are Hazardous to Cats

Tail Talk (What your cat is saying)

Those Amazing Cats (Highlights of Stories in the News)

What About Declawing?

Why Does a Cat Do That? (

Cat Jokes

Kitty Zodiac

Clip Source: www.xmission.com

Cat Graphics

Games and Projects

Make a Difference

Tags: cats

If My Body Were a Car

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 23:20:32 GMT

clipped by: murieleileen
clipper's remarks: Very funny poem

Clip Source: www.abctales.com

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR

If my body were a car,
It wouldn’t travel very far
And I would begin
To think of a trade in
I've got bumps and dents
Scratches and rents
My paintwork is dull
And its time for a cull
No time for mollycoddle
Just get a newer model
I can’t focus my headlights
And I steer to the right
My upholstery is lumpy
My traction is bumpy
I skid, slip and slide
Instead of skip and glide
Even in the best of weather
I struggle to keep it together
My whitewalls are stained
With my varicosed veins
I have a low maximum speed.
I’m an unpredictable steed
I don’t get anywhere quickly
My fuel burns inefficiently.
But the worst of the wheeze
Almost every time I sneeze
Or I cough or I sputter
I leak from my radiator
And a warning to buyers
My exhaust backfires

Tags: poem, humor, age, cars

Calories that Don't Count

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 17:06:04 GMT

clipped by: murieleileen

Clip Source: www.emofree.com

We have it on experience (our own and thousands of others) that the following food and situations have no calories to speak of (although the knowledgeable might describe them as unspeakable calories.)

OTHER PEOPLE'S FOOD: A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it.

INGREDIENTS IN COOKING: Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon. So are chocolate chip cookies! However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore make chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them.

FOOD ON FOOT: All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but

CHILDREN'S FOOD: Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults.

UNEVEN EDGES: Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to "straighten up the edges"

Tags: food, calories, diet, humor

Cakes And Ale

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 18:30:01 GMT

clipped by: murieleileen

Clip Source: www.emofree.com

From our Humor files

Cakes and Ale

Here is a purported to be true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University . It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

Author Unknown

Tags: student, exams, true story, cake, ale, humor.

By The Book - cute cat tale

Fri, 23 May 2008 10:04:32 GMT

clipped by: murieleileen

Clip Source: www.emofree.com

From our Humor files

BY THE BOOK

As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me.

The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten "the Book," since I had so many in my room.

One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped me and asked, "Where are you taking the Book?"

I explained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting neutered today," I told him.

"Hmmm," the student responded, "no sequels."

Author Unknown

Tags: cats, books, collage humor, story

Name That Boat

Thu, 22 May 2008 06:49:38 GMT

clipped by: murieleileen
clipper's remarks: funny story

Clip Source: www.emofree.com

From our Humor files

NAME THAT BOAT

My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway.

"I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted.

When her husband went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."

Author Unknown

Tags: boat, humor, unny story

Why A,B,C,D,DD,E,F, G & H are used to Define Bra Sizes

Fri, 16 May 2008 10:00:00 GMT

clipped by: murieleileen

Clip Source: www.piczo.com

What does the size of your bra mean?

Have
you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters
used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why,
but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time
you became informed!

(A}
Almost Boobs...
{B}
Barely there.
{C}
Can't Complain!
{D}
Dang!
{DD}
Double dang!
{E}
Enormous!
{F}
Fake.
{G}
Get a Reduction.
{H}
Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

Tags: bra, brazire, women, humor, funny, size

The Red Hat Society

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 08:12:44 GMT

clipped by: murieleileen

Clip Source: www.redhatsociety.com

"The Red Hat Society began as a result of a few women deciding to greet middle age with verve, humor and elan. We believe silliness is the comedy relief of life, and since we are all in it together, we might as well join red-gloved hands and go for the gusto together. Underneath the frivolity, we share a bond of affection, forged by common life experiences and a genuine enthusiasm for wherever life takes us next."

While visiting a friend in Tucson several years ago, Sue Ellen impulsively bought a bright red fedora at a thrift shop, for no other reason than that it was cheap and, she thought, quite dashing. A year or two later she read the poem "Warning" by Jenny Joseph, which depicts an older woman in purple clothing with a red hat. Sue Ellen felt an immediate kinship with Ms. Joseph. She decided that her birthday gift to her dear friend, Linda Murphy, would be a vintage red hat and a copy of the poem

Linda got so much enjoyment out of the hat and the poem that Sue Ellen gave the same

Tags: red hat, society, purple, ladies

A Dry Town

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 15:18:05 GMT

clipped by: murieleileen

Clip Source: www.emofree.com

A DRY TOWN

In a small midwestern conservative town, there wasn't a place to get a drink for miles around, so a local entrepreneur saw an opportunity: He started to build a tavern.

Liking a "dry" town, the local church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. The businessman was polite when congregants came to protest, but work continued on the tavern.

But the night before the grand opening, a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their piousness after that -- until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

At the first hearing, the judge held up the paperwork and took in the lawyers and both sides of the lawsuit.

Tags: humor, story, bars, prayer

Bad Weather Joke

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 07:51:11 GMT

clipped by: murieleileen

Clip Source: www.emofree.com

From our Humor files

Bad Weather

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, a local broadcaster ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.

In the blank he wrote quite honestly, "The climate didn't agree with me."

Author Unknown

Tags: joke, weather

Finally, the answer to the chicken - egg question

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 23:14:55 GMT

clipped by: murieleileen
clipper's remarks: Daily Laughs

Clip Source: www.rd.com

Tags: cartoon, jokes, humor

Learning Your Humor Type

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 22:23:55 GMT

clipped by: dannad
clipper's remarks: I'm a little of all four put together.

Clip Source: www.egodevelopment.com

Four styles of humor have been identified. They are affiliative humor, self-enhancing humor, aggressive humor and self-defeating humor.

Self-Enhancing Humor:

People who use self-enhancing humor tend to be easy-going

Affiliative Humor:

This is humor that is non-hostile, sometimes self-deprecating and always life affirming

Aggressive Humor:

Aggressive humor can be negative or positive

Self-Defeating Humor:

This is humor at one’s own expense

Instead of “the end” : Humor benefit

Humor affects your mind in certain ways. When you laugh, endorphins, which are brain chemicals, are released. Endorphins give you a feeling of well -being, better thinking skills, and pain doesn’t bother you as much. Humor also reduces stress, and gets rid of anger and tension.

Humor affects your body as well as your mind. It was discovered that rowing on an exercise machine 100 times was about the same as laughing for 10 minutes. Your muscles grow stronger from the tightening and relaxing.

Tags: dannad, humor, type, laugh

Accuracy ! a funny story

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 07:38:13 GMT

clipped by: murieleileen

Clip Source: www.emofree.com

From our Humor files

Accuracy!

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"

Author Unknown

Tags: humpr. baseball, accuracy

Most Rediculous British Laws

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 23:31:29 GMT

clipped by: murieleileen

Clip Source: www.emofree.com

From our Humor files

Most ridiculous British laws:

1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.

2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down.

3. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.

4. Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day.

5. In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter.

6. A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet.

7. It is illegal to avoid telling the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing.

8. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour.

9. In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.

This is an abbreviated version of the article published in Yahoo News 11/7/2007

Tags: humor, laws, funny, british