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UK Woman with Persistant Sexual Arousal Syndrome Hired as Cigar Humidor at Clinton Presidential Libr

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 01:31:48 GMT

clipped by: foxyarse
clipper's remarks: Clinton, an avid cigar aficionado since puberty, claims to have 50% of the production of the famous Colribas, only 4,000 which were made, and sell for $18,846 a box of 40, or $471.15 a piece.

Another rare cigar is "His Majesty's Reserve" infused with Louis XIII Cognac, at $750 a piece, and Clinton is said to have over 1500 of those, including some butts that are only half smoked that he saves 'for sentimental reasons' according to a library spokesman.

His wife Hillary, will sample her cigar during a private ceremonial service for former childhood friend and adult confidant, Vince Foster during which the former first lady also celebrates the fact she didn't go to jail over the Whitewater Scandal.

The unknown UK woman is said to be beside herself with ectasy over the appointment saying her biggest problem will be "not getting off in the plane when it's half way to the colonies!"

Clip Source: www.thespoof.com

UK Woman with Persistant Sexual Arousal Syndrome Hired as Cigar Humidor at Clinton Presidential Library!

A formerly obscure, but wildly popular UK woman in her village of Dudley for her propensity to have over 300 orgasms a day, was taken off the dole and offered a prestigious job in the US as a Humidor for former President Bill Clinton's priceless cigar collection .

Bill Clinton Samples a "Monica" from his imported UK Vagina Humidor

The Clinton library was built at a cost in excess of $165M and comprises over 150,000 square feet of living space. In addition to the 2m photos, 80m pages of documents and over 80,000 artifacts, most stolen from the White House when the Clintons backed up the moving van when they were evicted, it also houses "Wee Willie's" most prized collection of over 42,500 rare, some say priceless, cigars.

Tags: uk woman with persistant sexual arousal syndrome h

Did You Know These Words and Phrases?

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 01:26:32 GMT

clipped by: foxyarse
clipper's remarks: # We had a face-to-face meeting. We met later in the elevator and again were face-to-face. (Hyphenate as a compound adjective and a compound adverb, according to Merriam-Webster. But AP style insinuates no hyphenation as an adverb.)
# I sent an up-to-date memo to George. I want to keep him up to date.

Clip Source: archives.subscribermail.com

Did You Know These Words and Phrases?

We think it was Mark Twain who said, "Better to keep silent and let people just think you're an idiot than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."

Philippines, not Phillippines. The people are Filipinos, the language is Pilipino (AP) or Filipino

flair, flare. Flair is conspicuous talent. Flare is a flame.

flier, flyer. Flier is an aviator or a handbill. Flyer is the proper name of some trains and buses. If you fly a lot for your job, you are a frequent flier.

I feel bad, not badly (unless your fingers are damaged).

He is averse to the idea of fighting, not adverse.

Adverse weather conditions at the Kennedy Space Center will keep the shuttle orbiting for at least one more day.

I couldn't care less, not I could care less. If I could care less, then my care is at least measurable. To say I couldn't care less indicates my level of care is too small to measure.

Tags: did you know these words and phrases?

Hillary Clinton: "No, you heard it wrong, I actually said I had Acute Angina!"

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 01:19:36 GMT

clipped by: foxyarse
clipper's remarks: "No! You heard it wrong....I really said ACUTE ANGINA!
"I can be cured....my physician has recommended 'Deep Squat Freaking', Bill can help me with this practice...he's an expert."

Clip Source: www.thespoof.com

Hillary Clinton: "No, you heard it wrong, I actually said I had Acute Angina!"

Washington DC - Fresh from her overseas trip to Afganistan and France, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton addressed her physical ailments before a questioning press corp today in lieu of reports that she recently visited a cardiac physician.

"Yes, I have a condition and Bill is helping look after it for me," stated the teary-eyed ex-First Lady.

"Well, Bill did call 'it' alot of things, but he never said it was 'cute' ! "

Kate Snow (ABC News), "Exactly what is the condition Mrs. Clinton?"

"According to the doctor, I have Acute Angina," replied Ms. Clinton, "This is contrary to to what most folks believe, but it's true! It is treatable and I'll recover."

The once thunderous, applauding crowd fell silent for a moment, not believing what was just broadcast over the national media. Soon a spreading ripple of laughter turned into a full roar as the perplexed Mrs. Clinton realized her condition was misunderstood.

Tags: hillary clinton: "no, you heard it wrong, i actually said i had acute angina!"

Visitor attraction for Kennedy home - Bollocks!

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 21:28:43 GMT

clipped by: foxyarse
clipper's remarks: A sculpture will be erected at a cost to the taxpayer of $15000000. In the shape of a dildo, it will play music on demand.

Clip Source: www.independent.ie

Visitor attraction for Kennedy home

A visitor attraction in memory of the late Senator Ted Kennedy will open at his ancestral Irish home.

Finance Minister Brian Lenihan revealed the Government will fund a project at the Kennedy Homestead in Dunganstown, Co Wexford, from which his forefathers emigrated in the early 19th century.

"Senator Kennedy was unquestionably one of the best friends Ireland ever had on Capitol Hill," Mr Lenihan told the Dail during the Budget which hit public sector workers.

"In a modest way I would like to honour the memory of a great man from a great family. The development of this important visitor attraction will be a welcome boost to tourism in the South East."

Mr Lenihan said the inauguration of his brother, John F Kennedy as President of the United States, in 1961 also gave a powerful sense of hope, possibility and self-belief to Irish people all over the world.

Tags: visitor attraction for kennedy home, bollocks

Bishops seek cover-up forgiveness - Bollocks!

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 21:18:53 GMT

clipped by: foxyarse
clipper's remarks: The Murphy report detailed allegations against a sample 46 priests who served in Dublin between 1975 to 2004 and found several bishops, including Bishop of Limerick Donal Murray who acted inexcusably in one case, mishandled complaints against priests. He is expected to tender his resignation to Pope Benedict in the next few days.

Cardinal Sean Brady and Archbishop of Dublin Diarmuid Martin will meet the Pontiff in Rome on Friday.

Clip Source: www.independent.ie

Bishops seek cover-up forgiveness

Irish Catholic bishops have asked for forgiveness over the Church cover-up of paedophile priests.

Formally apologising over abuse and mishandling of allegations in the Dublin Archdiocese, the clergymen said they would open talks with child welfare inspectors to audit Church protection policy.

In a statement from the Irish Bishops' Conference, senior clerics accepted the damning findings of the Murphy inquiry.

"The avoidance of scandal, the preservation of the reputations of individuals and of the Church, took precedence over the safety and welfare of children," the bishops said. "This should never have happened and must never be allowed to happen again. We humbly ask for forgiveness."

Bishops will ask the independent National Board for Safeguarding Children in the Catholic Church (NBSCC) to explore how policy and practice to safeguard children can be assessed. Government departments and authorities in the Republic and Northern Ireland will also be consulted

Tags: bishops seek cover-up forgiveness - bollocks!

US to spend $3bn compensating native Americans

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 01:26:05 GMT

clipped by: foxyarse
clipper's remarks: Under an agreement reached with tribes, the Interior Department would distribute $1.4 billion to more than 300,000 native American tribe members to compensate them for historical accounting claims, and to resolve future claims.

The government also would spend $2 billion to buy back and consolidate tribal land broken up in previous generations. The scheme would allow individual tribe members to obtain cash payments for land interests divided among numerous family members and return the land to tribal control.

Clip Source: www.telegraph.co.uk

US to spend $3bn compensating native Americans

The Barack Obama administration has offered to spend $3 billion (£1.8bn) to settle a long-running lawsuit with native American tribes that claim they were swindled out of billions of dollars in royalties for oil, gas, grazing and other leases dating back more than a century.

If cleared by Congress and the courts, the settlement would be the largest Indian claim ever approved against the US government – exceeding the combined total of all previous settlements of Indian claims.

President Obama said an agreement on the case, known as Cobell v. Salazar, was an important step to reconcile decades of acrimony between Indian tribes and the federal government.

I heard from many in Indian Country that the Cobell suit remained a stain on the nation-to-nation relationship I value so much," the president said in a written statement. "I pledged my commitment to resolving this issue, and I am proud that my administration has taken this step today."

Tags: us to spend $3bn compensating native americans

Sex Workers Offer Freebies for Climate Change Delegates in Copenhagen

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 01:19:33 GMT

clipped by: foxyarse
clipper's remarks: This is a bit odd considering that sex work in Denmark is legal. And surely, if you're involved in the difficult work of trying to save the planet from doom, you may want to engage in adult activities to relieve some stress, right?

Apparently, sex workers there agree and are fighting back against this discrimination. Here's more about their plan:

"All delegates who come to Copenhagen for the world climate summit will be able to use the postcards for payment after making a request on our website," Moeller, of the Danish association for the defense of sex workers, said.

Clip Source: www.alternet.org

Sex Workers Offer Freebies for Climate Change Delegates in Copenhagen

It's not too late to get out there for part of the meeting.

Finally, a sexy story about climate change. As the big talks have finally kicked off, here's one of the lighter stories I've read about what's happening over there.

Prostitutes of a Danish sex workers association will offer their services for free to delegates of the UN climate summit in Copenhagen, an association official told AFP Saturday.

Susanne Moeller said the move was meant to protest an anti-prostitution initiative undertaken by Copenhagen city hall.

The city, host of the December 7-18 UN climate summit, distributed postcards in Copenhagen's hotels that said "Be sustainable: Don't buy sex." It also sent letters to hotel managers inviting them to take measures to avoid prostitutes meeting clients in their establishments.

Tags: sex workers offer freebies for climate change dele

The Great Christmas Show - Oh Holy Night - IL Divo

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 19:44:15 GMT

clipped by: foxyarse
clipper's remarks: A great Christmas song

Clip Source: www.youtube.com

The Great Christmas Show - Oh Holy Night - IL Divo

[Video]

Tags: the great christmas show - oh holy night - il divo

Hero pilot let plane fly unaided at 7,500ft as he battled to save parachutist

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 20:10:38 GMT

clipped by: foxyarse
clipper's remarks: As a result he climbed the aircraft back to 7,500ft with only one possible solution open to him if he was to save Major Denning's life - to leave the controls rendering the aircraft pilotless and walk back along the Turbo-Islander and cut the Major free.

Now Greyling is to receive a rarely awarded Royal Humane Society Bronze medal on the recommendation of the man whose life he saved.

Describing the incident, which happened in July last year, Royal Humane Society secretary Dick Wilkinson said: 'In all the years we have been making awards for bravery we have never had an incident like this one.

'It is truly amazing. If ever any-one deserved one of our awards he does. It really was extraordinary airmanship.

'The aircraft could have gone into a dive and crashed killing both men.'

Clip Source: www.dailymail.co.uk

Hero pilot let plane fly unaided at 7,500ft as he battled to save parachutist hanging from wheel

A hero pilot has been awarded one of the UK's highest bravery awards after a dare-devil rescue of a parachutist who was left dangling by his feet from a plane.

Garth Greyling, who is currently serving in Afghanistan, flew over the skies of Bad Lippspringe, Germany, allowing a parachute team to make their jump.

But unbeknown to him, Major Jeremy Denning was left hanging underneath the plane after his left leg became tangled in a 15ft trailing rope.

The Major was facing certain death, with no way of alerting the pilot as he made his final descent to land.

Drama: A Turbo-Islander similar to that flown by pilot Garth Greyling

But as Garth Greyling approached the runway, frantic air traffic controllers told him of the Major's plight.

Tags: hero pilot let plane fly unaided at 7, 500ft as he battled to save parachutist

Mother of teenager who killed herself over body image pleads

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 20:02:56 GMT

clipped by: foxyarse
clipper's remarks: She also criticised supermodel Kate Moss, who last month caused uproar by proclaiming "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" - a mantra often used by people with eating disorders.

'That is definitely not going to help young people who are struggling to cope. They need proper guidance,' she said.

In a heart-rending plea to other parents, she added: 'Cherish your children because you never know what they're going to do.

'Just be there for them, listen to them, and don't shrug them off when they really need to talk to you.'

Clip Source: www.dailymail.co.uk

Mother of teenager who killed herself over body image pleads with models to be more 'normal'

A teenager killed herself after developing an eating disorder and depression when she became paranoid about her weight and looks.

Adele Sale, 18, a 'compassionate and sensitive' girl, had already made two suicide attempts when she took a fatal overdose of sleeping tablets.

The brunette was found dead at home by her horrified mother.

The 5ft 8ins car dealership worker is understood to have weighed just seven stone when she died, giving her a body mass index of 14.7. A healthy BMI is between 18.5 and 25.

Her mother yesterday called for catwalk models and other role models for young girls to be more representative of normal people.

'They are a big influence on young girls and they should be more like typical people,' said Alison Sale, 45, a horse charity worker from Beccles, near Lowestoft in Suffolk.

Tags: mother of teenager who killed herself over body im

Bin Laden threatens to bomb Switzerland

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 09:19:00 GMT

clipped by: foxyarse
clipper's remarks: He attempted to persuade Swiss mountain cows coming off of the mountains, mentioning cows are, "holy creatures and guided by Allah and Hindu's" (what the f**k have Hindu's in common with Muslims?) and they could be used as suicide bombers, especially as no-one would search their cow-bells (perfect place to hide his bombs).

Not such a brilliant idea so he's decided to clone his suicide-bombers into Roger Federer look-alikes (dark and swarthy our Roger!) infiltrate Switzerland, bomb the crap out of the place and teach the Swiss a lesson or two in Minaret building!

Only place his Roger Federer clones are not allowed to bomb is the Swiss National Bank, Bin Laden has personal interests there, his multi-millions + that other interest!!!!

Clip Source: www.thespoof.com

Bin Laden threatens to bomb Switzerland with suicide bombers cloned as Roger Federer look-alikes!

Muslims have rejected the invitation to sculpture the Swiss mountain peaks into the shapes of Minarets (earlier Jaggedone classic Spoof, bigheaded Bastard!) and their infamous, rogue leader, Bin Laden, has now threatened to bomb Switzerland.

Be careful of this particular Swiss "Federer" it could be a cloned "Suicide Bomber"!

He has a slight difficult logistic problem as all of his warriors are busy bombing the crap out of everybody in Iraq, Pakistan, Afghanistan, etc, and are dressed in their summer mountain-look attire!

As winter is about to set in, Bin Laden is frightened that his "Suicide Bombers" would look slightly out of place in their summer uniforms, wandering the streets of snowy Geneva, Bern or Zurich, Brrrrrr, freeze your nuts off.!

Tags: bin laden threatens to bomb switzerland

The Average American's Vocabulary Less Than That Of George W. Bush

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 09:13:30 GMT

clipped by: foxyarse
clipper's remarks: Then there are the Playboy and Maxim readers who are under the range of Koko. "Big breasts are GOOD, little breasts are BAD, but better than none" to "bananabob eaten".

Finally, in case you're wondering, this article barely eclipsed the George W. Bush range but left Koko in our dust.

Clip Source: www.thespoof.com

The Average American's Vocabulary Less Than That Of George W. Bush

The National Informer has completed a survey that shows that the average American's vocabulary is somewhere between that of former president George W. Bush and Koko the signing gorilla.

"Einstein's right, everything IS made up of energy."

In what's called the "Dumbing down of America", the words used in most television programs are catered to Mr. & Mrs. Smith with lots of canned laughter so they'll know to laugh or sad music that can bring a tear should somebody "what was a good guy" get wasted.

Many regular Television daytime Soap watchers have a vocabulary of under 2,000 words from "I'm pregnant with your child" to "Mother's in the hospital dying from a death thing".

Even so, the average male magazine reader is usually in the 1,000 to 1,500 range with "A running back that can do it all" to "here is the commercial on this page for beer, being held by a near-naked woman, woof woof!"

Tags: the average american's vocabulary less than that o

The Man With The World's Largest Man Boobs

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 09:05:00 GMT

clipped by: foxyarse

Clip Source: www.thespoof.com

The Man With The World's Largest Man Boobs, refuses to wear a bra!

Hal E. Peno was recently awarded the title of the Man with the Largest Man Boobs by the prestigious Mellon Institute located in Raton, New Mexico.

At the beach, his kids covered him in sand so others wouldn't see.

The averaged-sized Peno officially was measured and was found to have a perfect set 44DD Man Boobs. The measurement beat out all other contestants in North America.

Currently, Mr. Peno has refused to purchase a bra to keep his mighty man-mammaries in check. This has lead to some unfortunate problems with certain activities. Twice in the last three months Mr. Peno was treated for slight concussions due to trampoline and pogo stick injuries.

There have been other problems with his man boobs. On a recent beach excursion with his family, Hal woke up to find himself covered in sand when his kids tried to hide him from other beach goers.

Tags: the man with the world's largest man boobs

Tiger Woods claims: "A vampire jumped out of a tree and bit my nine iron!"

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 20:19:11 GMT

clipped by: foxyarse
clipper's remarks: His wife attested to the story, adding, "Tiger gets attacked alot and has to stay away from home all hours of the night sometimes."

Clip Source: www.thespoof.com

Tiger Woods claims: "A vampire jumped out of a tree and bit my nine iron!"

In response to the questions bout his ill-fated car accident, golfer Tiger Woods gave a brief summary of that nights events to the press today.

Tiger's nine iron had blood splatters and hair on the handle.

He claims he was taking the Thanksgiving garbage out because it had turkey giblets that were leaking and wanted to get it to the trash can at the curb. Before he could react, two vampires dropped from the trees and crawled over his car causing it to side-swipe a fire hydrant and then hit a nearby tree.

When Tiger opened the car door to 'shoo away the nasty critters' one grabbed his nine iron and bit the handle.

According to Woods, this isn't the first time. Vampires attacked him at Wendys when he was in line ordering a crispy chicken sandwich and another time when he was taking his dog for a walk.

Tags: tiger woods claims: "a vampire jumped out of a tre

Al Sharpton Upset At Use Of Term "Black Ice"

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 20:08:25 GMT

clipped by: foxyarse
clipper's remarks: I thinks I'm gonna has to have a beer summit with the President to discuss this racist language type thing and takes care of it myself."

Clip Source: www.thespoof.com

Al Sharpton Upset At Use Of Term "Black Ice"

Al Sharpton is upset at news stations and highway departments using the term "black ice" to describe dangerous driving conditions. He said to reporters in New York City that the wording is racial and derogatory and that he will call in watchdogs at the A.C.L.U. (American Civil Liberties Union) if the term is not changed or it's use discontinued.

In current form, "black ice" is used to describe water that freezes on the surface of black pavement that cannot be seen as it is the same color as the pavement. It is dangerous to drive on and is responsible for thousands of traffic accidents and fatalities each year.

"They be saying that black ice is slippery and meaning that my people are slippery like thiefs. It's nothing more than the white man trying to keep the black man down again."

When asked what the condition should be called, Sharpton said "that's up to you. But don't be calling it no black ice or colored ice or negro ice or nigger ice.

Tags: al sharpton upset at use of term "black ice" satir