Clipmarks | dakotayii's 'jokes' clips

No special effect, check out these photos

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 11:36:24 GMT

clipped by: swypeople

Clip Source: content2.clipmarks.com

Tags: fun, joke, jokes, photos, laughs, pic post, fun post

The Best Quote of 2006

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 17:27:46 GMT

clipped by: amothindisguise

Clip Source: rense.com

Best Quote Of 2006?
By Chris Rock
2-28-7

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. --Comedian Chris Rock

Tags: chris rock, comedy, joke, jokes, humor, quote, quotes

Phone Menu of a Mental Hospital..

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 11:35:05 GMT

clipped by: tron2007

Clip Source: masalajokes.blogspot.com

Hello and thank you for calling The state Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on
the

line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the

MotherShip.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell

you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,

nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before
the

beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term

memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

Tags: humor, humour, general, funny, joke, jokes, sex

25 signs you've grown up!

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 06:28:54 GMT

clipped by: mugofcoffee
clipper's remarks: 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests...interesting!

Clip Source: www.emofree.com

25 Signs You've Grown Up

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.

Tags: grown ups.

No Sex Tonight!

Mon, 28 May 2007 11:30:01 GMT

clipped by: karokan
clipper's remarks: I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"

Clip Source: www.craigslist.org

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store.

Tags: jokes

Signs you've grown up

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 00:16:33 GMT

clipped by: lauriecorona

Clip Source: humour.200ok.com.au

Signs You've Grown Up

Your potted plants are alive... and you can't smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
You hear your favourite song in an elevator.
You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
You're the one calling the police because those bloody kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time McDonald's closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Mydog instead of McDonald's.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
You go to the chemist for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
A $7.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

Tags: humour, age, humor

How to be charming!!!!

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 09:06:35 GMT

clipped by: mugofcoffee
clipper's remarks: nice and easy

Clip Source: www.wikihow.com

Good posture will give the impression of self confidence (even if you don't feel that way on the inside). While walking, it is always important to maintain a relaxed yet definitive upright posture- spine long, shoulders back.

Relax the muscles in your face to the point where you have a natural, pleasant expression permanently engraved there. For some people, it helps to dwell on something or someone that makes them happy

Make a connection.

Remember people's names

Be interested in people.

Orient topics toward the audience.

Praise others instead of gossiping.

Issue compliments generously

Be gracious in accepting compliments

Control your tone of voice.

Empathy is at the core of charm. If you can't tell what makes people happy or unhappy, you have no way to assess whether you are saying the right or wrong thing.

Never argue

Never laugh at your own jokes

Never over-explain anything

Tags: charming, personality traits, personality development.

Aren’t older women great?

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 16:35:06 GMT

clipped by: Rashid Malik
clipper's remarks: Poor man! Got nothing in the end.

Clip Source: jo-kes.blogspot.com

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, ‘honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.’

Now we have a $500,000.00 Home, a $45,000.00 Car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.’

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out & find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!

Tags: men vs women jokes, jokes, humor

Geographical Facts of the Sexes

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 17:36:26 GMT

clipped by: dakotayii
clipper's remarks: It's just a joke, but there is a grain of truth imo......

Clip Source: www.dysan.net

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half discovered, half wild,

naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America; well developed and open to

trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India; very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France; gently aging but still warm, and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain; with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia; lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia; very wide, and borders are now un-patrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick

Tags: jokes

Why Men Die Younger

Mon, 09 Apr 2007 18:02:49 GMT

clipped by: xbeckyax

Clip Source: www.allowe.com

Why Men Die Younger

Tags: humour, jokes, fun, men, women

Witty Sayings 2

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 19:20:50 GMT

clipped by: Wilhelmina

Clip Source: www.witty-quotes.com

Witty Quotes Haven: All Witty Sayings

House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

You can't be late until you show up.

Tags: witty, sayings, joke, jokes, one-liner, humour, humor

Weird things you would never know!

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 11:58:22 GMT

clipped by: tron2007

Clip Source: masalajokes.blogspot.com

Weird things you would never know! (but do now!)

* A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

* Most lipsticks contains fish scales.

* Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

* A shrimp's heart is in its head.

* The "sixth stick sheil's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

* Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

* Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteris in your ear by 700 times.

* If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.

* If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

* A Snall can sleep for three years.

* No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH".

* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

* Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Tags: general, funny, humor, humour, jokes, sex, joke

Witty sayings

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 19:16:48 GMT

clipped by: Wilhelmina

Clip Source: www.witty-quotes.com

Witty Quotes Haven: All Witty Sayings

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.

To ensure perfect aim, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target

Tags: witty, sayings, joke, jokes, one-liner, humour, humor

Truisms

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 03:45:36 GMT

clipped by: vidbidness

Clip Source: www.missico.com

I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and butthead's.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and fifty for Miss America?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

If flying is so safe, why do they call an airport the terminal?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place.

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!

Wouldn't you know it. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher; since it's in English, thank a soldier."

Tags: truisms, aphorisms

Doomsday - The Mayan Prophesy

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 18:13:34 GMT

clipped by: thisnamecantbetaken
clipper's remarks: December 21st, 2012. I probably won't be home that day, but I'll catch it later on youtube, I reckon. Jokes aside, they say the Mayan (or Atzec) calender is the most accurate ever made. Their doomsday is not so much about the end of time, but of the beginning or dawn of a new age of enlightenment. I think it's worth a gander.

This video explains the Mayan calender pretty well. Part one of three;
The Mayan Calender Unveiled

Clip Source: viewzone.com

There is a common belief that the calendar holds a prophecy that the end of the world will happen in 2012. At the time, I knew very little about the whole topic and when I began doing the research. I like to think I had an open mind. My investigation began with mainstream archaeology and the expert interpretations of the calendar. But it soon took a turn that made my hair literally stand on end. I am now convinced that these prophecies are true.

To understand what is likely to happen to Earth and it's people, you will need to remain calm and try to follow the facts. It's not as simple as some people describe. It requires an understanding of some fairly complicated scientific realities, but I think I can explain them in a way that you will easily understand.

Tags: mayan, calender, future, 2012, cosmos, evolution, prophesy, time, noosphere, quickening, consciousness