Clipmarks | dakotayii's 'jokes' clips

Three kind of sex

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 05:57:26 GMT

clipped by: dakotayii
clipper's remarks: Don't ask

Clip Source: ifyouseesomething.net

Tags: jokes

The Economy

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 06:54:00 GMT

clipped by: dakotayii

Clip Source: losangeles.craigslist.org

A married couple receives a bank statement with a huge overdraft. They also receive a final demand for the gas bill. So they agree to save money. That evening, they are watching TV when the man gets up and tells his wife that he’s off down to the bar. Outraged, the wife informs him that he has no right to go to the bar and leave her at home when they need to economise. The husband nods and tells his wife to put her coat on. Surprised and amazed, the wife asks, “Are you really going to take me with you?” “No,” he says. “I’m shutting off the heat.”

Tags: jokes

Congo

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 20:22:25 GMT

clipped by: dakotayii

Clip Source: pixdaus.com

Tags: jokes

Creation or Evolution

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 04:26:32 GMT

clipped by: dakotayii
clipper's remarks: Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
-- Anonymous

Clip Source: www.mouthshut.com

A little girl asked her mother,

'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered,

'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all mankind was made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered,

'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,

'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,

and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered,

'Well, dear, it is very simple.

I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

Tags: jokes

A little Kiss

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 21:49:30 GMT

clipped by: dakotayii
clipper's remarks: The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

Clip Source: losangeles.craigslist.org

Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.

One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

Tags: jokes

Geographical Facts of the Sexes

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 17:36:26 GMT

clipped by: dakotayii
clipper's remarks: It's just a joke, but there is a grain of truth imo......

Clip Source: www.dysan.net

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half discovered, half wild,

naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America; well developed and open to

trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India; very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France; gently aging but still warm, and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain; with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia; lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia; very wide, and borders are now un-patrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran - ruled by a dick

Tags: jokes

Monday morning Jokes

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 06:53:26 GMT

clipped by: dakotayii
clipper's remarks: With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

......

......

.......

.....

......

.....

.....

......

......
......

The coffin stops

Clip Source: losangeles.craigslist.org

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears!

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

Clappity-BUMP...

Clappity-BUMP... on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding his head is reeling his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

Tags: jokes

Confucius and friends

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 14:42:13 GMT

clipped by: dakotayii
clipper's remarks: It's Friday....

Clip Source: losangeles.craigslist.org

Tags: jokes

Buddhist jokes -

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 01:58:10 GMT

clipped by: dakotayii
clipper's remarks: A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher. She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so. She asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.

The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."

Clip Source: www.beliefnet.com

A Buddhist approaches a hotdog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."

He gives the vendor a $20 bill and waits. Finally he says: "Where's my change?"

Says the vendor: "All change must come from within."

Clip Source: www.beliefnet.com

A student went to his meditation teacher and said, "My meditation is horrible! I feel so distracted, or my legs ache, or I'm constantly falling asleep. It's just horrible!"

"It will pass," the teacher said matter-of-factly.A week later, the student came back to his teacher. "My meditation is wonderful! I feel so aware, so peaceful, so alive! It's just wonderful!"

"It will pass," the teacher replied matter-of-factly

Tags: jokes

Work place

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 14:33:28 GMT

clipped by: dakotayii
clipper's remarks: Ways to protect yourself
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Update: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.

Clip Source: losangeles.craigslist.org

Me all fricken day at work.

Then again.

Tags: jokes

Two nuns............

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 15:44:44 GMT

clipped by: dakotayii
clipper's remarks: SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down .

Clip Source: losangeles.craigslist.org

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) , and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives.

Tags: jokes

During the depth of the great Depression....

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 06:21:26 GMT

clipped by: dakotayii
clipper's remarks: The beauty of outsourcing jobs.....
I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Depression Help Hotline. I was put through to a call center in Pakistan. I explained that I was feeling suicidal. They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane....

Clip Source: losangeles.craigslist.org

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.

"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars

Tags: jokes

The Best Pun IN THE WORLD!! Finalists

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 03:01:17 GMT

clipped by: dakotayii
clipper's remarks: ) I tried to come up with a pun about famous German philosophers, but I Kant.
- Dan

J) Did you hear they found a narcissistic male lion whose females had turned on him?
No, really?
Yeah. Course it was his pride that did him in…
- Justin

Clip Source: www.mentalfloss.com

The Best Pun IN THE WORLD!! Finalists
by David - March 19, 2008 - 3:35 PM

B) A thief attempted to steal paintings from the Louvre in Paris, but was caught 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas. All the thief could say for himself was: “I had no MONET to buy DEGAS to make the VAN GOGH. But I tried for it anyway because I had nothing TOULOUSE!”
- kerensa

D) I’ve been reading something very interesting — Stephen Hawking’s latest book about anti-gravity.
I just can’t put it down.
- buddz

E) Ancient humans, venturing across the ice bridge to North America, got lost quite often. They found it very hard to keep their Bering Strait….
- ;im

G) Thanks to fossils, archaeologists have been able to determine that there once a genetic mutation millions of year ago, causing the creation of a five-legged dinosaur.
As far as we know, this is the first evidence we have ever seen of a reptile dysfunction.
- Michael

What do you get after playing the lute for 10 hours straight?
Minstrel cramps.
- Denise

Tags: jokes

"Shit Happens": according to various religions and spiritual philosophies

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 21:07:58 GMT

clipped by: astronkyttaron
clipper's remarks: More at the site

Clip Source: www.katinkahesselink.net

TAOISM: Shit happens.

CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, "Shit happens".

ZEN: (What is the sound of shit happening?)

JESUITISM: If shit happens and when nobody is watching, is it really shit?

ISLAM: Shit happens if it is the will of Allah.

COMMUNISM. Equal shit happens to all people.

CATHOLICISM: Shit happens because you are bad.

PSYCHOANALYSIS: Shit happens because of your toilet training.

SCIENTOLOGY: Shit happens if you're on our shit list.

ZOROASTRIANISM: Bad shit happens, and good shit happens.

MYSTICISM: What weird shit!

AGNOSTICISM: What is this shit?

ATHEISM: I don't believe this shit!

NIHILISM: Who needs this shit?

VOODOO: Hey, that shit looks just like you!

BUDDHISM: Shit happens, but pay no mind.

HINDUISM: This shit has happened before.

THEOSOPHY: You don't know half of the shit that happens.

JEHOVAH's WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armageddon.

RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit.

CHARISMATIC: This is not shit and it doesn't smell bad.

SHINTOISM: Shit is everywhere.

HOPI: Corn fertilizer happens

Tags: entertainment, funny, fun, jokes

Vampire bats

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 05:10:30 GMT

clipped by: dakotayii
clipper's remarks: A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well-informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

Clip Source: losangeles.craigslist.org

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't"

Tags: jokes