Clipmarks | amothindisguise's clips

There are Teachers, then there are Educators!

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 00:14:03 GMT

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom.That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Tags: funny, humor, joke, teacher, school, lipstick

"I need it to poison my husband"

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 21:32:34 GMT

clipped by: amothindisguise
clipper's remarks: I imagine politics is very similar to this

Clip Source: www.isityourneed.com

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy!

I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law!

I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Tags: funny, joke, jokes, humor, humour

World According to Americans

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 21:26:44 GMT

clipped by: amothindisguise
clipper's remarks: Sadly true

Clip Source: www.demonbaby.com

Tags: funny, humor, jokes, americans

Easy Way to Fake Your Body into an Out of Body Experience

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 21:25:05 GMT

clipped by: amothindisguise
clipper's remarks: I'd like to try this sometime.

Clip Source: sciam.com

Traveling outside your own body is

easy

try the double-mirror trick: Position two mirrors facing each other and then lean toward one so that two thirds of your face is reflected in it. Scratch your cheek and stare deep into the hall of mirrors you have created, past your original reflection, past the image of your back, and settle on the third reflection—your own face but slightly obscured. Within seconds, you won't recognize that reflection as you, says neuroscientist Eric Altschuler of the University of Medicine & Dentistry of New Jersey in Newark, who reported the phenomenon in the April issue of Perception.

"We found a method to change the perceived location of the body in space even if that means that one is located outside the physical body," cognitive neuroscientist Henrik Ehrsson of the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm says. "They see themselves sitting in the middle of the room, but they feel themselves sitting in a corner of the room."

Tags: out of body experience, fake, body, science, neuroscience

Ultimate Rejection Letter

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 21:16:30 GMT

clipped by: amothindisguise

Clip Source: www.chaosmatrix.org

Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA  34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16.  After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department. 

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters.  With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. 

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time.  Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August.  I look forward to seeing you then. 

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen

Tags: letter, rejection, funny, humor, humour, joke, jokes

Biblical Ways To Find A Wife

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 21:09:05 GMT

clipped by: amothindisguise
clipper's remarks: Thought this was funny and couldn't help myself

Clip Source: www.turoks.net

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
-- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

Find a prostitute and marry her.
-- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
-- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.
-- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
-- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
-- David (I Samuel 18:27)

Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a whole bunch of people.
-- Jesus (Revelation 15?)

Tags: christian jokes, jokes, humor, humour, funny

Misplaced Deity Sought By Christians

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 23:06:28 GMT

clipped by: amothindisguise

Clip Source: www.turoks.net

So, I'm standing at a bus stop and they pull up. A car load of well meaning, bible thumping nut cases that are just frantic! The middle aged professionally dressed woman rushes forward...She takes my arm and with trembling voice, she asks...."Have you found Jesus?" Her eyes plead with an urgency that is out of proportion to a bus stop.

So calmly as I can muster, without being sarcastic, I reply, "You people lost him, again?"

"What is wrong with you Christians? Every time I turn around you've lost Him!" I hit her with a glare of accusation. "I mean really..." I take a measured breath. "How do you expect to have anyone follow a deity that you can't even find?"

"Of course, you Christians aren't much fun," I continue. By now they are all out of the car. Befuddled, aghast, and at a loss for words. "Of course," I offer trying to give them some defense for losing Jesus. "He could have left due to religious differences. If I remember correctly, He was Jewish.

Tags: jokes, funny, hillarious, christian

The Best Way to Till a Potatoe Garden

Sat, 01 Sep 2007 15:35:18 GMT

clipped by: amothindisguise

Clip Source: www.rose-hulman.edu

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES! Love, Fred

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Fred

Tags: joke, jokes, potatoe, garden

The Worst Letter a Mother Can Receive

Sat, 01 Sep 2007 15:31:29 GMT

clipped by: amothindisguise
clipper's remarks: Click the link to read the full letter

Clip Source: www.boardofwisdom.com

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see

an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed.

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy.

Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

PS:

I just wanted to remind you

there are worse things in life than my report card

Tags: joke, letter, jokes, report card, humor

20 Clever Business Signs

Sat, 01 Sep 2007 15:26:03 GMT

clipped by: amothindisguise

Clip Source: moronland.net

20 Clever Business Signs

At an Optometrist's office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

On a Plumber's Shop:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

Pizza Shop Slogan:

"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:

"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and put you out."

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:

"We're #1 in the #2 business."

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"We'll be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Please drive carefully. We'll wait."

Tags: signs, funny, humor, humour

The Best Quote of 2006

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 17:27:46 GMT

clipped by: amothindisguise

Clip Source: rense.com

Best Quote Of 2006?
By Chris Rock
2-28-7

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. --Comedian Chris Rock

Tags: chris rock, comedy, joke, jokes, humor, quote, quotes

Winners of the "I Look Like My Dog" contest

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 16:50:12 GMT

clipped by: amothindisguise

Clip Source: www.flyaboveall.com

Winners of the "I Look Like My Dog" Contest

Tags: contest, funny, humor, dog, dogs

The differences between men and women

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 16:48:22 GMT

clipped by: amothindisguise

Clip Source: sprott.physics.wisc.edu

Life Explained

The differences between men and women.

Tags: jokes, joke, humor, humour, men, women

Don't Argue With The Gay Flight Attendent joke

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 15:30:06 GMT

clipped by: amothindisguise

Clip Source: humour.200ok.com.au

Don't Argue With The Gay Flight Attendant

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."

Tags: funny, joke, jokes, humor, flight attendant

Moments Frozen In Time

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 19:13:52 GMT

clipped by: Teddyeliz
clipper's remarks: these pictures are super adorable...and super cool!

Clip Source: www.novaksblog.com

Tags: birds, bears, puppies, whales, dolphins