Clipmarks | Socratoad's 'humour' clips

aww

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 23:20:24 GMT

clipped by: Lawl78

How to Properly Place People in Jobs

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 19:30:47 GMT

clipped by: gingembre
clipper's remarks: * If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
* If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Senior Management.
* Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government.

Clip Source: gingembresplace.blogspot.com

How To Properly Place People in Jobs:
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put people being assessed in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

* If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
* If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
* If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
* If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
* If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
* If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
* If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
* If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
* If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
* If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.

Tags: job placement, jobs, work, work-related, human nature, humour, psychology

Some Great Bumper Stickers

Sun, 03 Jun 2007 18:09:03 GMT

clipped by: sohil

Clip Source: funny2.com

National Spellling Bee Runer-Up

Dyslexics Untie

I would rather hunt with Dick Cheney than drive with Ted Kennedy

In case of rapture, can I have your car?

Be alert. The world needs more lerts.

Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE!

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.

So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.

Want a little taste of religion? Bite the minister.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!

Excess is never too much in moderation.

My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most states.

My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.

Never believe generalizations.

Say "NO" to drugs. That will bring the prices down.

Tags: funny, fun, humor, humour, politics, welfare, drugs, political, cars, bumper stickers

Mufti of Egypt: stop issuing crazy fatwas

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 21:17:45 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead

Clip Source: www.jihadwatch.org

Mufti of Egypt: stop issuing crazy fatwas

Reacting to the now-notorious suckling fatwa, Ali Gomaa, the statue-hatin', wife-beatin', Hizballah-supportin' Mufti of Egypt, says we should bring some common sense back to the fatwa-issuing process.

Gomaa himself is the author of a controversial book which claimed that Prophet Mohammed’s (PBUH) companions used to drink his urine, considering it a blessed act, as reported by Al-Masry Al-Youm newspaper.

Gomaa stuck to his position despite criticism, claiming that everything which emanated from the Prophet is pure and sacred.

Gomaa's request came a week after Sheikh Ezzat Atiya, president of the Hadith (Prophet Mohamed’s (PBUH) Sayings) department at Al-Azhar University, issued the breastfeeding fatwa in which he had drawn on Islamic traditions which forbid sexual relations between a men and a women who had breastfed him, to suggest that symbolic breastfeeding could be a way round the strict segregation of males and females.

Tags: islam, muslim, moslem, egypt, imam, fatwa, humor, humour, crazy, weird

Funny Exam answers by students

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 10:25:21 GMT

clipped by: thefoxalmighty
clipper's remarks: ha ha... This makes me laugh whenever i see this..
Especially the 1st one and the Hangman thing... Really cute..

Clip Source: www.jimmyr.com

Tags: humour, students

Incredibly Funny Help Desk Cartoons

Wed, 30 May 2007 20:05:52 GMT

clipped by: sohil

Clip Source: haddadusa.com

Tags: funny, fun, humor, humour, cartoon, computer, help, email, cartoons, computers

Scots Rightfully Proud of Indianapolis 500 Winner Franchitti

Tue, 29 May 2007 14:48:08 GMT

clipped by: gingembre
clipper's remarks: Apparently the rain was in his favor. The Scots' First Minister congratulated Franchitti and added that the "characteristically Scottish weather may have aided him to victory".

An added romantic touch to his victory: "Oblivious to the ongoing downpour, his wife, the Hollywood actress, Ashley Judd, walked to greet him barefooted and soaked through. The scene could easily have passed muster as the closing frames to one of her own films."

Clip Source: thescotsman.scotsman.com

Scots boy racer who beat the odds to become a legend

Dario Franchitti, Indianapolis 500 winner

On Sunday, the 34-year-old became the first Scot in more than four decades to claim one of American motorsport's most esteemed prizes

After a gruelling 166 laps in torrential rain, the Bathgate native took the chequered flag at the 91st Indianapolis 500, emulating the legendary Jim Clark's achievement in 1965

As Franchitti himself declared with no little humour in the build-up to the race, it is the "Superbowl, or the Academy Awards with wheels"

Boasting a total purse in excess of $10 million (£5.04 million), the Indianapolis 500 places greater prominence on drivers than manufacturers, setting it apart from Formula 1

Representative of most American sports, the popularity of 'The 500' stems from its frantic action. The cars, 800-plus horsepower, turbo-charged vehicles, charge around a series of oval and road circuits

Tags: scotland, franchitti, indianapolis 500, race, sports, indiana

Gingerbread Man

Mon, 28 May 2007 20:08:50 GMT

clipped by: gingembre
clipper's remarks: Oh la la! c'est magnifique!

Clip Source: www.pbfcomics.com

Tags: gingerbread, man, humor, humour, funny, sex, cooking

Borderline Funny

Tue, 22 May 2007 20:30:45 GMT

clipped by: gingembre
clipper's remarks: a groaner

Clip Source: gingembretea.blogspot.com

The Michaels family lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her 80th birthday, lived on the farm with her son and 3 grandchildren.

One day her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom." he said. "The Prime Minister has come to an agreement with the U.S. President in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mom said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another of these Canadian winters!"

Tags: canada, usa, humour, humor

Surely I don't look that old!

Tue, 22 May 2007 20:17:23 GMT

clipped by: gingembre
clipper's remarks: I laugh ruefully...

Clip Source: gingembretea.blogspot.com

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking .. . surely I cannot look that old? If so, you may enjoy this story....

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class over 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1963. Why?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked "What did you teach?"

Tags: humor, humour, aging, human nature, funny

Professor Sees Parallels Between Things, Other Things

Tue, 22 May 2007 00:09:25 GMT

clipped by: Socratoad

Clip Source: www.theonion.com

Professor Sees Parallels Between Things, Other Things

AUSTIN, TX—University of Texas professor Thom Windham once again furthered the cause of human inquiry in a class lecture Monday, as he continued his longtime practice of finding connections between things and other things, pointing out these parallels, and then elaborating on them in detail, campus sources reported.

"By drawing parallels between things and other, entirely different things, I not only further my own studies, but also encourage young minds to develop this comparative methodology in their own work," said Windham, holding his left hand up to represent one thing, then holding his right hand up to represent a separate thing, then bringing his hands together in simulation of a hypothetical synthesis of the two things. "It's not just similarities that are important, though—the differences between things are also worth exploring at length."

Fifteen years ago, Windham was awarded tenure for doing this.

Tags: humor, humour, satire, the onion

Hallmark Scientists Identify 3 New Human Emotions

Mon, 21 May 2007 23:58:15 GMT

clipped by: Socratoad

Clip Source: www.theonion.com

Hallmark Scientists Identify 3 New Human Emotions

KANSAS CITY, MO—Scientists at Hallmark Cards' Center for the Research and Development of Sentiments announced Monday that they had discovered three previously unknown emotions that can be experienced by human beings and captured on a folded piece of card stock.

Exploring The Human Psyche

Dr. Susan McMurrough has spent years analyzing the deep, unexamined feelings of thousands of test subjects in order to discover new, marketable emotions.

The first emotion the project successfully isolated was "requiapathy," the combination of relief and guilt that comes with the sudden realization that you no longer miss a dead loved one. That discovery quickly led to the uncovering of "seprudity," the feeling of appreciating a coworker's dedication without fully understanding his or her job function, and "trepatiousness," a synthesis of rage and jealousy, though more muted and often accompanied by a sensation of weighlessness.

Tags: emotions, hallmark, the onion, satire, humor, humour

What Is The Good Life?

Sat, 19 May 2007 19:24:40 GMT

clipped by: thisnamecantbetaken
clipper's remarks: "A good vegetable grows in a vegetably way." Read the rest at the source.

Clip Source: blog.talkingphilosophy.com

Aristotle’s Ethics

What is the good life? Some say this, some say that, some say something completely different. The point is, they’re all a bit right and they’re all a bit wrong. It’s hard to be more precise than this because ethics isn’t precise and wise people know this, so never, ever, ask me to be less vague or ambiguous.
A good life is lived according to one’s nature. Vegetables grow, so a good vegetable life is one in which it grows in a vegetably way. Animals move, so a good animal life is one in which it moves in an animally way. Fox News lobotomises, so a good Fox news programme is one which lobotomises in a foxy way. Humans think, so a good human life is one in which it thinks in a humanly way. We also kill, act with prejudice, lust, look after number one and so on, but that doesn’t define our nature, because I don’t want it to.

What is virtue? It is finding the mean.

only stupid people expect too much precision, remember.

Tags: humour, ethics, aristotles, thoughts

Anti Bush Bumper Sticker Gallery

Fri, 11 May 2007 17:22:39 GMT

clipped by: thisnamecantbetaken
clipper's remarks: Ha ha! Good bush, bad Bush... *LOL*

Clip Source: www.spikedhumor.com

Anti Bush bumper sticker.

Clip Source: www.spikedhumor.com

Tags: bush, politics, humour, funny, quotes, jokes

Spain Vows Eternal Vigilance In War On Bulls

Sat, 05 May 2007 16:35:02 GMT

clipped by: Socratoad

Clip Source: www.theonion.com

Spain Vows Eternal Vigilance In War On Bulls

"Bulls are ruthless animals that run our young men down in the streets without regard for guilt or innocence," Zapatero said. "Doggedly pursuing their agenda of destruction, they are deaf to pleas for mercy, and they care nothing about the suffering they cause as they rout and trample novillero, picador, and matador alike."

Zapatero said the government has no estimate of the number of bulls currently living in Spain, due to the animals' stealthy nature.

"We can no longer sit and watch as the bulls gore our brave young men to death," Zapatero added. "To those who say this problem is too widespread for the Spanish government to tackle, I say 'Toro!'"

PAMPLONA, SPAIN—Following a series of brutal attacks, Spanish Prime Minister José Luis Zapatero pledged Monday that he "will not rest until Spain is free of rampaging bulls."

Tags: spain, bulls, vigilance, humor, humour