Clipmarks | Llezika's clips

The Excecutive Coloring Book

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 23:27:02 GMT

clipped by: Llezika

Clip Source: commercial-archive.com

Tags: humor

How to be annoying online

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 23:23:28 GMT

clipped by: Llezika

Clip Source: www.chiprowe.com

how to be annoying online

1. Make up fake acronyms. Online veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) or RTFM (read the fucking manual) to show that they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for ("You don't know that? RTFM").

2. WRITE YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE. ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!! TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!

3. When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of their messages. when they respond testily to your "creative criticism," do it again. Continue until they go away.

4. Software and files offered online are often "compressed" so that they won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word e-mail responses like "Thanks."

5. Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like "SexyHousewivesI," then see how many people download it. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-ons.

6. cc: all your e-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so that he can keep track of what's happening on the Internet.

7. Join a discussion group and tie whatever's being discussed back to an unrelated central theme. For instance, if you're in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct others to ignore you.

Tags: humor, funny

How to tick people off

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 23:21:24 GMT

clipped by: Llezika

Clip Source: artlung.com

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."

In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

Honk and wave to strangers.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.

Ask people what gender they are.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Tags: humor

How to predict the weather in 5 seconds

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 23:18:20 GMT

clipped by: Llezika

Clip Source: llezika.stumbleupon.com

Tags: humor, weather

George Bush and Condi conversation

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 23:15:37 GMT

clipped by: Llezika

Clip Source: www.freewebs.com

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

Tags: humor, george bush

Funny Anagrams

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 23:06:51 GMT

clipped by: Llezika

Clip Source: pages.videotron.com

This should appeal to the intellectual in you...
An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. No letters can be used twice or left out. The following ones are exceptionally clever (someone out there either has *way* too much time on their hands or is deadly at Scrabble):

          Word/Phrase                     Anagram
   -------------------------       ---------------------

          Dormitory                     Dirty Room

          Evangelist                    Evil's Agent

          Desperation                   A Rope Ends It

          The Morse Code                Here Come Dots

          Slot Machines                 Cash Lost in 'em

          Animosity                     Is No Amity

          Mother-in-law                 Woman Hitler  :)

          Snooze Alarms                 Alas! No More Zs

          Alec Guinness                 Genuine Class

          Semolina                      Is No Meal

          The Public Art Galleries      Large Picture Halls, I Bet

          A Decimal Point               I'm a Dot in Place

          The Earthquakes               That Queer Shake

          Eleven plus two               Twelve plus one

          Contradiction                 Accord not in it

Tags: humor

Homer Simpson's Words of Wisdom

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 23:03:37 GMT

clipped by: Llezika

Clip Source: www.caughtatwork.net

Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here, anyway.

Homer: If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Homer (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy will be done (munch munch munch).

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Homer: If something goes wrong, blame the guy who can't speak English.

Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.Homer's Brain: It's a deal!

Homer: Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Homer: For once, somebody may call me "Sir" without adding, "...you're making a scene."

Homer: There, there, Bart. If something's hard, then it's not worth doing

Homer: You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about giving!

Homer: Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening

Homer: Hey, we didn't have a message on our answering machine when we left. How very odd.

Homer: Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Tags: humor, simpsons

How to Remove Tourists from Your Photos

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 17:51:55 GMT

clipped by: jarek69

Clip Source: dsphotographic.com

How to Remove Tourists from Your Photos

Every notable landmark seems to have one thing in common: visitors, and lots of them. But if you want that postcard shot or that image that shows how the location may have once appeared, you have a challenge ahead of you. This digital photography and PhotoShop tutorial will provide a means to remove the tourist throngs from your vacation images.

Tags: photoshop, remove, edit, travel, tourist

Stupid things that lawyers ask

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 02:21:11 GMT

clipped by: Llezika

Clip Source: rinkworks.com

Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"

Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"
Witness: "Not yet."

Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
Witness: "Oral."
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Witness: "Oral."

Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."

Tags: humor, lawyers

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

Sat, 02 Dec 2006 23:27:06 GMT

clipped by: eknock28
clipper's remarks: hilarious

Clip Source: www.skirsch.com

English phrase	Chinese Interpretation
Are you harboring a fugitive?	Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P.	Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man	Dum Gai
Small Horse	Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high!!	No Bai De Thing!!
Did you go to the beach?	Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table	Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift	Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here	Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed?	Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution	Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet	Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone.	No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?	Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright	Yu So Dum
I got this for free	Ai No Pei
I am not guilty	Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer.	Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week.	Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived	Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight	Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile	Wa Shing Ka

Tags: funny, chinese, language, translation

Why Can’t You Tickle yourself?

Sat, 02 Dec 2006 15:05:29 GMT

clipped by: kittyxiii

Clip Source: www.neatorama.com

18. Why Can’t You Tickle yourself?

Much to the dismay of wacky masochist everywhere, the human brain is wired against self-tickling. Because the brain controls movement, it knows what your hand is going to do before you do it. Thus it anticipates the exact force, location, and speed of the tickle and uses that information to desensitize you to your own roving hands.

So why do we have a tickle response anyway? Turns out, it’s a defense reaction meant to alert our cave-dwelling ancestors to creepy crawlies that didn’t know their place, and the uncontrollable laughing fit that goes along with it is actually a panic response.

Even if you know someone else is about to go for your rib cage, it’s hard to turn the response off because a) your brain can’t anticipate exactly how and where they’ll tickle you and b) knowing someone is about to tickle you is usually enough to keep those panic receptors open and ready to go.

See also: Tickle Salon and Tickle Robot | Andre Stubbe and Markus Lerner’s ticklish robot | for something completely different: trout tickling [wiki], and who can forget: Tickle Me Elmo [wiki]

Tags: tickle

70 Ways to Better Brain Power

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 22:59:27 GMT

clipped by: nhorn

Clip Source: www.mindpowernews.com

70 Ways to Increase Your Brain Power

1. Breath deep. More air in means more oxygen in the blood and therefore in the brain. Breath through your nose and you'll notice that you use your diaphragm more, drawing air deeper into your lungs. Several deep breaths can also help to relax you, which is conducive to clearer thinking.

2. Meditate. A simple meditation you can do right now is just closing your eyes and paying attention to your breath. Tensing up your muscles and then relaxing them to start may help. When your mind wanders, just bring your attention back to your breath. Five or ten minutes of this will usually relax you, clear your mind, and leave you more ready for any mental task. For more on meditation, you can visit http://www.TheMeditationSite.com.

3. Sit up straight. Posture affects your thinking process. Prove it to yourself by doing math in your head while slouching, looking at the floor and letting your mouth hang open. Then do the mental math while sitting up straight, keeping your mouth closed and looking forward or slightly upwards. You'll notice that it's easier to think with the latter posture.

4. Phosphotidyl Serine (PS). This supplement has been shown in clinical studies to increase lucidity and rate of learning. It activates cell-to-cell communication, helps regulate cell growth, improves the functioning of the special receptors found on cells, and prepares cells for activity. In other words, it can help your brain power. It's also thought to reverse memory decline. Phosphatidylserine has no known adverse side effects.

5.Vinpocetine. This extract, derived from an alkaloid found in the Periwinkle plant, is used as a cerebral vasodilator. It increases blood flow to the brain, which improves its oxygenation and thereby increases mental alertness and acuity. Research suggests it may also be the most powerful memory enhancer available to date.

Tags: brain

Firefox Shortcuts

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 14:50:17 GMT

clipped by: nikrocks
clipper's remarks: These are new to me.

Clip Source: www.supernova00.biz

Shortcuts

Set mutliple Home pages
Tools---->Options--->General and seperate each page with the pipe | symbol 
(Shift+button above the enter button)
eg. http://forums.mozillazine.org|http://www.google.com|http://www.yahoo.com

Let Firefox complete web addresses for you
Type in something like 'yahoo' in the address bar and hit:
Ctrl+Enter to add http://www. before and .com after the text
Similarly, Shift+Enter will add http://www. and .net
and Ctrl+Shift+Enter will add http://www. and .org

Add a keyword for a bookmark
You can give "keywords" to your bookmarks by right-clicking the bookmark and then
Properties. If you put a string in the keyword field now you can type that keyword in
the address bar and it will go to that bookmark. For example, if I have a bookmark for
Fox News website, I might give it the keyword "news". Now, when I type "news" in the
address bar and hit 'enter', the Fox News site is loaded.

Close a tab
Middle-click on the tab will close it

Tags: firefox, shortcuts, tips

me luvz beer

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 19:20:33 GMT

clipped by: Llezika

Clip Source: www.explosm.net

Tags: humor, beer

not interested XD

Tue, 28 Nov 2006 22:24:12 GMT

clipped by: Llezika

Clip Source: www.explosm.net

Tags: funny, humor