Clipmarks | JohnWaterman's humour collection

Anti-smoking measures (lungs as a hat)

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 20:10:52 GMT

clipped by: JohnWaterman
clipper's remarks: cough... wheeze

The UK will next week become one of the first European countries to introduce graphic images on cigarette packets to warn about the dangers of smoking.

The 15 different images will include pictures of a diseased lung and heart surgery being performed.

But Simon Clark, of smokers' lobby group Forest, said smokers were being "unfairly" targeted, pointing out images are not being introduced on drinks.

Clip Source: www.thedailymash.co.uk

SMOKERS FORCED TO WEAR THEIR LUNGS AS A HAT

SMOKERS are to be forced to walk around wearing their lungs on their head, under tough new government rules.

As the lungs will cover the ears, holes will be drilled on each side so the smokers are still able to hear the criticism of their friends and colleagues.

Meanwhile, once a month council officials will strap the smokers to a chair, pluck the beating heart from their chest and shove it in their face shouting: "WELL!!? HAPPY!!?"

"Young smokers may think it's clever to walk around parading their fresh, pink lungs at a jaunty angle

Sheep shagging is to blame for Britain's moral decline

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 19:55:05 GMT

clipped by: JohnWaterman

Clip Source: blog.newhumanist.org.uk

It's official: sheep shagging is to blame for Britain's moral decline

Sorry, that was gratuitous. But it's not every day you get to use that phrase on the New Humanist blog. Therefore I'm thankful to The Most Rev Peter Akinola, Primate of Nigeria, who in a speech to the General Synod of the Church of Nigeria hit out at "the disturbing level of moral decadence and spiritual degradation eating deep into the soul of western societies."

And what did he use to illustrate this? Well, on top of the usual suspects like the breakdown of marriage and increasing teenage promiscuity, he also whipped out this gem:

"As if these are not bad enough, only last week the Tell magazine [a Nigerian publication] reported in its 36th edition on page 12 that a 27-year-old man was arrested for having sex with a sheep in Dulwich, south-east London."

It's true, this incident did happen. And before you start laughing, such incidents are killing our society. Okay?

Radio Milks Cows

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 10:44:45 GMT

clipped by: JohnWaterman
clipper's remarks: I'm certainly not "immune to the influences of its radiations"

Clip Source: blog.modernmechanix.com

THERE seems to be no end to the versatility of radio in these days of electrical and mechanical miracles—not even cows and street cars are immune to the influences of its radiations.

As a curtain raiser at the annual radio show held recently in St. Louis, a street car was operated from a distance by a mere man with a radio transmitter in his hand, and a Holstein cow was made to dispense her milk by the medium of radio waves, whether she liked it or not.

The mechanism of the trolley car and the mechanism of the milking machine were hooked up to a specially constructed radio receiver using only a five-foot length of copper pipe as an antenna. At a distance stood the operator, holding a portable radio transmitter using a similar antenna, as shown in the accompanying photos. When the key was pressed at the transmitter, the distant receiver in both cases set the machines to operating.

Fatwah envy

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 18:36:10 GMT

clipped by: JohnWaterman

Clip Source: scienceblogs.com

We prefer our Jebus impotent, please

Somebody took offense again. An art museum in England is exhibiting some controversial statues, and of course some kook can't just stay away, they have to make sure no one else gets to see them.

A Christian group is taking an art centre to court, claiming it displayed an indecent statue of Jesus Christ.

The artwork was part of an exhibition at Gateshead's Baltic Centre featuring several plaster figures with erections, including ET, Mickey Mouse and Jesus.

Lawyers for Christian Emily Mapfuwa, 40, of Essex, are bringing a civil case for outraging public decency.

It seems a little unkind to demand that the poor guy be eternally flaccid, as well as tortured. And look! Fatwah envy!

Mrs Mapfuwa, of Brentwood, said Baltic would not have dared depict Mohammed in such a way.

Free dog souls with conversion

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 20:11:39 GMT

clipped by: JohnWaterman
clipper's remarks: I think I like these catholics.

Clip Source: www.irreligion.org

A divine practical joke.

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 08:25:19 GMT

clipped by: JohnWaterman

Clip Source: toothpastefordinner.com

IKEA instructions

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 17:42:13 GMT

clipped by: JohnWaterman

Clip Source: i.thefairest.info

Death Star over San Francisco

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 20:54:26 GMT

clipped by: JohnWaterman

Clip Source: current.com

Death Star over San Francisco

http://current.com/items/89204971_deat...

Douglas Adams on religion and puddles

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 19:53:58 GMT

clipped by: JohnWaterman

Clip Source: talkingincircles.net

. . . imagine a puddle waking up one morning and thinking, ‘This is an interesting world I find myself in’an interesting hole I find myself in’fits me rather neatly, doesn’t it? In fact it fits me staggeringly well, must have been made to have me in it!’ This is such a powerful idea that as the sun rises in the sky and the air heats up and as, gradually, the puddle gets smaller and smaller, it’s still frantically hanging on to the notion that everything’s going to be alright, because this world was meant to have him in it, was built to have him in it; so the moment he disappears catches him rather by surprise. I think this may be something we need to be on the watch out for.

From a Speech given by Adams at Digital Biota 2, Cambridge, UK, 1998. Later quoted in Richard Dawkin’s Eulogy for Douglas Adams.

Alternative computer maintenance

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 09:52:35 GMT

clipped by: JohnWaterman

Clip Source: blogs.discovermagazine.com

[Video]

Translation fail

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 08:40:48 GMT

clipped by: JohnWaterman

Clip Source: adweek.blogs.com

Then we'll grab a bite at 404 Not Found

Of all the poorly translated signs that can baffle English-speaking visitors to China, this one takes the cake for the most epic of all possible fails. And, as Dear Jane Sample notes, it’s also a good reason to invest in something more than a Web-based translator.

Must.. Not.. Fall.. Asleep..

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 23:02:47 GMT

clipped by: JohnWaterman
clipper's remarks: But big sis is such a comfy pillow

Clip Source: www.break.com

[Video]

Carlin in Heaven

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 21:30:22 GMT

clipped by: JohnWaterman

Clip Source: www.myextralife.com

Beliefs

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 21:21:49 GMT

clipped by: JohnWaterman

Clip Source: xkcd.com

Homage to the enema

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 09:02:00 GMT

clipped by: JohnWaterman

Clip Source: scienceblogs.com

A monument to the enema, a procedure many people would rather not think about, has been unveiled at a spa in the southern Russian city of Zheleznovodsk.

The bronze syringe bulb, which weighs 800 pounds and is held by three angels, was unveiled at the Mashuk-Akva Term spa, the spa's director said Thursday.

"There is no kitsch or obscenity, it is a successful work of art," Alexander Kharchenko told The Associated Press. "An enema is almost a symbol of our region."

In related news, the head of the Zheleznovodsk Chamber of Commerce and Tourism Bureau committed suicide today…