Clipmarks | CrazyRedHead's 'satire' clips

‘Those 72 virgins are all guys’

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 07:09:58 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead

The war on terror took a new turn today with the launch of a bold new propaganda campaign aimed at preventing any more suicide bombers in Iraq or elsewhere in the Middle East.

US intelligence has distributed leaflets in Arabic stating that due to the high demands that have been placed on Paradise by so many Islamic martyrs, the powers that be have had to widen the definition of ‘virgin.’

‘But when the Koran said ‘virgins’, they never specified whether they were chicks or guys…’ said a US source in Iraq. ‘What we are saying is that with so many martyrs arriving in Paradise, the babes all got taken ages ago.

if you choose to be a suicide bomber it means you want

sex with guys.

Leaflets have been dropped over suspected Al Qaeda training camps, explaining that anyone who decides to be a suicide bomber must be a great big gay.

The suicide bomber is saying ‘Do you think these explosives make my bum look big?’

this tactic could mark the turning point against the insurgents.

Tags: satire, humour, humor, religion

Hillary has 'reverse Michael Jackson'

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 02:19:13 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead

Clip Source: newsbiscuit.com

Hillary Clinton has taken the drastic step of undergoing cosmetic surgery to change her race so she can better compete against Barack Obama

The skin pigmentation treatment was carried out over the weekend in a last ditch attempt to get the former First Lady the extra votes she believes she needs

‘We had hoped that Hillary being a woman might be enough to get her elected’ said an aide. ‘Then when Obama came and trumped her by going for the whole ‘black candidate’ angle we didn’t know what to do.’

Friends of Hillary Clinton are insisting that her transformation into an African-American is the conclusion to a long and carefully considered journey. ‘She always liked Motown. She loves jerk chicken. This is just the logical next step…’

Many African Americans have expressed distaste at the latest development in the Democratic race

‘Frankly Mrs Clinton would sound a lot less ridiculous

if she stopped hinting that she has an enormous penis.’

Tags: satire, humour, humor, politics, clinton

Queen admits to employing family members

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 06:37:29 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead

Clip Source: newsbiscuit.com

Her Majesty the Queen has been forced to admit that she employs over seventy of her family members using public money.

The news first broke last week when the Queen was criticised for claiming £14m to pay her son Charles.

Apart from a brief spell in the forces, it appears that Charles has in fact been unemployed for the last thirty years with little evidence of any attempt to gain new skills or undertake training.

Yet the Queen has consistently kept him on the payroll, first as an ‘heir to the throne’ and then later as a ‘Prince of Wales’.

It has since come out that the Queen employs many more family members from the public purse including her husband, a Greek immigrant called Philip.

Inspector Ralph Downing, admitted the investigation was proving difficult

‘The family has covered its tracks well,’ he revealed. ‘People who, at first sight, appear not to be related to the Queen later turn out to be cousins or spouses’, he said, ‘Or in many cases, both.’

Tags: satire, humour, humor, royalty, idiots

Hottest First Lady In U.S. History?

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 16:24:38 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead

Clip Source: www.theonion.com

there is only one candidate with a bombshell trophy wife nearly a quarter-century younger than himself.

I urge each and every one of you to run a Google image search and see the evidence for yourself: photo after photo of a tall but wrinkled and sagging 64-year-old man—that's me—standing at various gala events, his arm wrapped around a stunning woman with glowing orange skin and beautiful platinum- highlighted hair.

A bold woman, squeezed into a dress with a plunging neckline so low her enormous breasts seem almost ready to leap out and scream, "Hey world—look at us! We are married to a famous man we saw in Die Hard 2 when we were in college!"

If elected, I pledge that same woman—who is a full six years younger than my eldest son—will be by my side at all state dinners

causing the Chinese delegation's jaws to drop in amazement at her gravity-defying rack.

Yours will be a first lady who is not only hot enough to appear in Playboy, but who might actually be willing to appear in Playboy

Tags: the onion, satire, humor, funny

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 11:46:18 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead
clipper's remarks: Other tacky Christmas songs and parodies of songs at the site.

Clip Source: www.links2love.com

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa.

But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog.
And we'd begged her not to go.
But she'd forgot her medication,

and she staggered out the door into the snow.

When we found her Christmas mornin,'
at the scene of the attack.
She had hoof prints on her forehead,

And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back.

Now were all so proud of Grandpa.
He's been takin' this so well.
See him in there watchin' football,

drinkin' beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle.

It's not Christmas without Grandma.
All the family dressed in black.
And we just can't help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?

I've warned all my friends and neighbors.
"Better watch out for yourselves."
They should never give a license,

to a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.

[Video]

Tags: christmas, music, satire, funny, entertainment, humor

Homer Simpson Quotes

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 12:14:14 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead

Clip Source: www.thesimpsonsquotes.com

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. (lie dectector blows up)

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Clip Source: www.thesimpsonsquotes.com

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.

Homer: Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.

Clip Source: www.thesimpsonsquotes.com

Homer: I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done.
Homer: You say that so often that it lost its meaning.

Clip Source: www.thesimpsonsquotes.com

Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

Homer: [Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Tags: humor, funny, satire, entertainment

The Latest Ten Commandments

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 00:12:30 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead
clipper's remarks: "Honour thy Environmental Protection Agency and thy Center for Disease Control: that thy days may be long on the land that they have given thee. "

Clip Source: www.numberwatch.co.uk

And the Establishment spake all these words, saying,

I am the Orthodoxy, which have brought thee out of the land of Freedom and into the house of bondage.

Thou shalt have no other orthodoxies before me.

Thou shalt not think for thyself, neither shalt thou make thine own life choices.

Thou shalt not partake of the fumes of the noxious weed; for there is no more grievous sin on the face of the earth and it is an abomination unto the correct.

Thou shalt not indulge in the fermented juice of the grape or grain.

Thou shalt not look upon the meat when it is red, nor consume any form of fish, flesh or fowl.

Thou shalt avoid contact with two hundred and sixteen substances declared in their wisdom by the elders of the temple of California to be carcinogenic or endocrine disrupting.

Thou shalt spend much of thy waking hours in the mindless exercise of thy body.

receive with gratitude thy just reward

which shall be many extra years of pain, dementia, incontinence and the benign neglect of a grateful nation

Tags: humor, humour, satire, global warming, climate change

The Blasphemy Collection

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 12:24:47 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead

Clip Source: timesonline.typepad.com

Submission directed by Theo van Gogh
A 10-minute film about violence against women in Islamic countries, Submission depicted four Muslim women telling Allah the offences against them, while partially covered. Quranic texts, inciting women to submit, were projected on their bodies.

Quran on toilet paper
Manfred van H. was sentenced to one year in prison on probation in Germany for posting toilet paper stamped with verses from the Quran to mosques and the media.

The ‘two poofs’, as Gilbert refers to himself and George, have been bedfellows with controversy throughout their career, but they tested the boundaries of religious tolerance with their Sonofagod – was Jesus heterosexual?

Rude Buddha
A sculpture of Buddha with a banana and two eggs strategically placed was happily on display

The Life of Brian
Arguably, Monty Python’s finest hour the Life of Brian is a comic biopic of Brian Cohen, born at the same time as Jesus and mistaken for the Messiah.

Jerry Springer the Opera

Chocolate Christ

Tags: religion, entertainment, mental health, satire, psychology

"Everybody Loves Ahmadinejad"

Sun, 07 Oct 2007 01:32:46 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead
clipper's remarks: spoof of NYC protesters

Clip Source: thepeoplescube.com

Progressive Unveiled Iranian Female:

I tried flaunting my hooters over in Iran but I always got rocks upside my head. Then I got arrested by the Moral Police and so I agreed to be sent to America and parade my big tatas there while agitating for the Islamic Republic and against Israel. If I go back to Iran, there's a hole in the ground and a pile of stones waiting for me.

Pro-Ahmadinejad Jews debate whether to face The Wall and pray, or face outward and wait for their turn to be shot while carrying a sign that says "Judaism dictates Jewish subservience to all nations."

Self-Hating Jews
for the Holocaust

RabbisOnCrack.org

We were fine in Egypt,
no thanks to Moses!

MoveBack.org

Sumo Wrestlers Against The Elders of Zion

Disgruntled Sumo Wrestler: The Jews put man-boob hormone in my sushi, tooth-yellowing agent in my sake, and mind-control substance in my crack!

The Jews shall be defeated in a worldwide Wrestling Championship! All your Zion are belong to us!

Tags: spoof, satire, funny, humor, iran, politics

Starbucks to open franchises inside Starbucks

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 03:27:43 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead
clipper's remarks: Don't sit there thinking it couldn't happen.

Clip Source: newsbiscuit.com

Leading coffee franchise Starbucks has announced that it is to counter the shortage of available locations for new outlets by opening branches of Starbucks inside other Starbucks.

The rapid expansion of the world’s leading coffee retailer had recently hit a ceiling when it was discovered that there were no more local corner cafés or small businesses to take over and replace with the global coffee giant. There were simply no more sites left to dedicate to selling disappointingly stodgy muffins or frothing luke warm milk for a 7000 per cent profit.

Head of Marketing at Starbucks, Brian Monckton, explained: ‘Then we realized that we had acres of prime commercial space inside our own shops, and thought we could exploit that.’ Staff will be encouraged to compete against each other for customers and will be able to launch take-overs if particularly successful.

‘By 2030 we are planning have nano-Starbucks outlets surgically implanted in every stomach.’

Tags: satire, funny, humour, humor, coffee, java, cuppa joe

New Dad Thinks Baby Might Be Gay

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 04:38:22 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead

Clip Source: www.theonion.com

Citing "something vaguely effeminate" about his eight-month-old son Michael, first-time father Joe Oebrick, 32, reported Tuesday that he suspects the infant may be a homosexual.

According to Oebrick, Michael has an excessive fondness for bright colors and "things that sparkle."

"Sequins, glitter, feathers," said the recent father, listing some of the things that Michael likes. "And he really likes flowers."

According to the recent father, his most urgent concern is the confused baby's constant need to suck on a pacifier.

"That can't be right. Can it?" Oebrick said.

Oebrick said he first began to worry about Michael's sexual orientation when the boy was two months old.

"He would giggle constantly," Oebrick said. "And he had a very weak handshake."

According to Oebrick, there were several months during which the infant's head would wobble if it wasn't supported by an adult.

"He was always swinging his head around," Oebrick said.

it seemed pretty... well, gay."

Tags: satire, humor, onion, silliness, funny

Products We Wish Really Existed

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 18:39:12 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead

Clip Source: www.dumbentia.com

PMS Light

One day my wife was feeling, shall we say, irritable, and suggested that she needed a flashing light on her forehead to warn me when I should stay away. So in the end this was largely her idea. I just fleshed it out somewhat and exaggerated a little. If you like this, you may enjoy the PMS Bouquet as well.

Polygam-a-Cal
I don't personally know anyone who needs this, but then, I haven't been to Utah lately. I just imagine there are all kinds of problems with scheduling when you're a polygamist, not to mention keeping track of birthdays and graduations for dozens of children...

Pickmaster 3000

Good taste. That's what Dumbentia is all about. What better way to start the new year than with a parody about nose picking.

Incontinental Airlines

this ad features what must be the absolute best slogan

Hair Relocators

As they say, "If it's funny. it's because it's true." As I get older, I'm amazed at all the new places my body grows hair.

Backup Brain

Napalm Pilot

Caffiderm

The FTD PMS Bouquet

Tags: funny, humor, satire

Pug Recall - the Onion

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 13:15:27 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead
clipper's remarks: Go to the site and see the slide show!

Clip Source: www.theonion.com

Dog Breeders Issue Massive Recall Of '07 Pugs

Citing centuries of quality- control issues that have resulted in chronic unreliability, cascading system failures, and even total unit shutdown, the American Pug Breeders Association announced a recall Monday of all pugs produced between February 2006 and the present day.

"While pug owners are accustomed to dog malfunction, the latest animals are prone to more problems than just the usual joint failures, overheating, seizures, chronic respiratory defects, and inability to breed without assistance.

at "moderate to high risk" for convulsive respiratory failure, soft palate suppuration, corneal ulcers leading to sudden deliquescence of the eyeballs, catastrophic lung collapse, ingrown ribs, diabetes, patellar luxation, encephalitis, Lou Gehrig's pug's disease, impacted hips, neck dysplasia, tracheal fissures, morbid obesity, cranial arthritis, and leakage of the anal sacs.

Tags: humor, dogs, animals, satire, funny

Australia Gets Plastered, Winds Up in N. Atlantic

Tue, 29 May 2007 04:02:46 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead

Clip Source: www.satirewire.com

Sydney, 800 miles S. of Nova Scotia (SatireWire.com) — After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.

"Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.

the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad.

By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its wake.

Tags: satire, humor, funny

'Intelligent Falling'

Thu, 24 May 2007 16:29:36 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead

Clip Source: www.theonion.com

Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory

Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held "theory of gravity" is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling.

"Things fall not because they are acted upon by some gravitational force, but because a higher intelligence, 'God' if you will, is pushing them down,"

Founded in 1987, the ECFR is the world's leading institution of evangelical physics, a branch of physics based on literal interpretation of the Bible.

"We just want the best possible education for Kansas' kids," Burdett said.

"Let's take a look at the evidence,"

'And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.' He says nothing about some gravity making them fall—just that they will fall.

But mankind is born to trouble, as surely as sparks fly upwards.' If gravity is pulling everything down, why do the sparks fly upwards with great surety?

Tags: humor, religion, bible, idiots, onion, satire