Clipmarks | CrazyRedHead's 'humour' clips

Buttock-clenching at the bus stop

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 14:43:41 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead
clipper's remarks: Tory MP Philip Davies lashed out at the move. He asked: ‘Is this April 1st? The Government is virtually bankrupt and yet it is spending its last few pounds encouraging people to do Pilates at bus stops.

‘It is the nanny state gone completely mad and a shocking waste of taxpayers’ money.’

Clip Source: www.dailymail.co.uk

A bizarre Government-funded campaign is being launched to encourage people to exercise while they’re waiting for a bus.

According to the campaign’s organisers, those minutes spent at the bus stop watching the traffic go by could be spent more usefully – by standing on one leg, pointing your toes or clenching your buttocks.

But the latest attempt to get Britain fit has been slammed by an MP as ‘a shocking waste of taxpayers’ money’.

And one angry passenger said last night: ‘Fares are ridiculously high as it is. So why don’t they use the money they’re spending on this nonsense to cut the cost of bus travel?’

Leaflets and posters setting out six Pilates-style exercise moves to do at the bus stop are being distributed to passengers travelling on buses between Blackburn and Manchester.

Organisers claim it will help people with busy lives to fit exercise into their day and avoid health problems such as heart disease and obesity.

Tags: politics, humour, humor, weird, idiots

Weird Gadgets from the 1920's

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 14:31:58 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead

Clip Source: www.dailymail.co.uk

TOE SOCKS

These pre-shrunk 'To Sox' were designed to act as toe protectors. Produced during World War II, it was claimed that they could reduce hosiery costs by up to 80 per cent. They were designed to be worn over the big toes, to protect socks from wear.

LIGHT SPECTACLES

Invented in the U.S. in the 1930s, these specs were adorned with two small, battery-powered lights, with a long wire trailing beneath. The experience was marred only by the likelihood of electrocution when it rained.

MOUSTACHE PROTECTOR

designed with a hole for the mustachioed man to sip through.

FINGER STRETCHER FOR PIANISTS

Developed in America in 1910 to help pianists hit the sprawling notes demanded by the likes of Stravinsky and Debussy. Careful use was required: it is thought the composer Schumann destroyed his hands using an early version.

PAGE TURNER

CLOCKWORK TEASMADE

AN EARLY LAVATORY

PEEP SHOW

CIGARETTE HOLDER

PISTOL PURSE

a tiny machine complete with its own map that would tell motorists which way to go.

Tags: weird, funny, bizarre, humour, idiots

List of Weird Band Names

Tue, 20 May 2008 16:55:40 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead
clipper's remarks: Bad taste warning - some of the names I didn't clip are hard core...

Clip Source: rock103.com

[ # ]

57 Lesbian
1,200,000 Dead Tibetians
2000 Flushes
3D House of Beef

[ a ]

A Box of Fish with Tartar Sauce

Adolph Hitler's Nipples

Alcoholocaust

Aggressive Crotch Display

Anus The Menace

Aquarium Rescue Unit

Armageddon Dildos

[ b ]

The Bambi Molesters

Barenaked Ladies

The Bastard Sons of Eddie Haskel

Bulimia Banquet

[ c ]

Cameltoe

Cindy Brady's Lisp

Crosseyed Chicken

[ d ]

Dairy Queen Empire

Demon Barf

Don Knotts Overdrive

Dumpster Juice

[ e ]

Elvis Hitler

Exploding White Mice

[ f ]

Fabulous Pimps

Flaming Anus

Flopping Bodybags

[ g ]

Gangsta Bitch Barbie

God's Girlfriend

Goldfish Don't Bounce

Grim Skunk

[ h ]

Halo of Flies

Hairy Buzzard Gizzards

Hairy Conniption Fit

The Hairy Eyeballs

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

Hostile Amish

[ i ]

Impotent Porn Stars

Iowa Beef Experience

Iron Prostate

[ j ]

Jesus Chrysler Supercar

Joey Tampon and The Toxic Shocks

Johnny Vomit

[ l ]

Linoleum Blownapart

Lipstick Sandwich

Lubricated Goat

Lung Mustard

[ m ]

Mentally Retarded Cows

Mighty Sphincter

[ n ]

Naugahyde Chihuahuas

[ r ]

Rats of Unusual Size

Rugburns

Tags: humor, humour, music, sex, bizarre

“Bleedin’ Demised” for 55 million years

Fri, 16 May 2008 11:54:44 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead

Clip Source: www.timesonline.co.uk

Monty Python’s parrot may have been “bleedin’ demised” when that sketch was performed in 1969, but an unlikely discovery suggests that it was once alive and well.

The “Norwegian blue” that Michael Palin claimed was not dead, but simply “shagged out following a prolonged squawk”, may not have been such a ridiculous invention as the comedians intended.

David Waterhouse, a palaeontologist from Norfolk, believes that he has identified the oldest known parrot fossil and, at the same time, proved that the birds once lived considerably farther north than was previously thought.

Although the bird has been officially named Mopsitta tanta, Dr Waterhouse has nicknamed it the Danish blue, a tribute to its fictional Norwegian counterpart in the Python routine, which has been voted Britain’s best-loved alternative comedy sketch.

This parrot shuffled off its mortal coil around 55 million years ago, but the fjords of Norway were formed during the last Ice Age and are less than a million years old.

Tags: monty python, humour, humor, uk, parrot

It's a bird, it's a beaver...it's a platypus

Sat, 10 May 2008 14:18:04 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead
clipper's remarks: "Ever since it was discovered by bemused European explorers in Australia 200 years ago, the mammal has fascinated schoolchildren and baffled scientists."

Clip Source: www.dailymail.co.uk

If you need evidence that God - or Evolution - has a sense of humour, look no further than the duck-billed platypus.

The oddest creature ever to grace on the planet, the platypus lays eggs like a bird, produces milk like a cow and releases snake-like venom from its ankles.

A cross between a beaver and a duck, it has the tail of a beaver, the webbed feet of an otter and an enormous bird-like bill.

Now, in a move that is shedding light on the evolution of the platypus and all mammals, including humans, scientists have decoded its DNA for the first time.

The findings confirm that the species is a cobbled together mix of reptile, bird and mammal and could even lead to the development of new drugs base on chemicals in the creature's milk and venom.

The creature's milk contains antimicrobial chemicals which protect young from infection.

Research into the creatures' venom could also lead to new painkillers

Mammals, such as humans, have two sex chromosomes that determine gender. The platypus has 10.

Tags: animals, platypus, australia, nature, science

21 Excuses for not Having Sex

Wed, 07 May 2008 14:34:20 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead
clipper's remarks: — You can’t stop thinking about all the stuff you have to do tomorrow, and what you really want to do is find a pencil and a piece of paper.
— You have your teeth-whitening equipment in.
— You are bloody tired.
— You have hiccups.
— He hasn’t shaved.
— You think the heating might still be on. It is unbelievably hot.
— It is too cold to risk the duvet moving at all.

Clip Source: www.timesonline.co.uk

Clip Source: women.timesonline.co.uk

— You were in the mood an hour ago, then he insisted on watching more TV, and now all you can think about is Heather Mills and gifted children.

— He has been remiss. You can’t remember exactly how, but it was earlier, and you are still angry.

— You have drunk the perfect amount and now feel peculiar – any movement could provoke nausea.

— He doesn’t seem to be as keen as he should be, and if he is waiting for you to demonstrate keenness, which he may be, then you thought of it first.

— You are worrying about early-onset Alzheimer’s, particularly on account of the keys-left-in-the-front-door incident.

— You have noticed a large crack in the bedroom ceiling. This has led you into a spiral of self-loathing because of the decorating that still needs to be done

— You accidentally watched a documentary on Five called How to be Averagely Good in Bed by 21st-Century Standards, and it has taken the wind out of your sails.

— The dog is looking.

— You think you have a heart murmur.

Tags: sex, health, humour, humor

10 Insulting Words You Should Know

Tue, 06 May 2008 19:39:34 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead
clipper's remarks: Cacafuego Synonyms: BLATHERSKITE, BRAGGADOCIO, FANFARON, GASCONADER, and RODOMONTADE. See analysis of the other words at the site.

Clip Source: www.neatorama.com

There is a crisis of insults on the Web. On one hand, the volume of flames is very high yet the quality is poor.

Gone are the days of the razor-sharp wit of Oscar Wilde and Winston Churchill*, only to be replaced by a string of four letter words typed in ALL CAPS by n00bs

10 Insulting Words You Should Know:

1. FRENCHIFY

Definition: 1) To make French in quality or trait 2) To make somewhat effeminate, and 3) To contract a veneral disease (a 19th century slang).

2. BESCUMBER

Definition: To spray with poo.

3. MICROPHALLUS

Definition: An unusually small penis.

4. COCCYDYNIA

Definition: Pain in the butt.

5. NINNYHAMMER

Definition: A fool or a silly person.

6. BUNCOMBE

Definition

bullshit or nonsense.

7. HIRCISMUS

Definition: Offensive armpit odor.

8. CORPULENT

Definition: Very fat.

9. FEIST or FICE

Definition: 1) A small dog of uncertain ancestry, a mongrel. 2) A person of little worth or someone with a bad temper, and 3) Silent fart.

10. CACAFUEGO

Definition: A swaggering braggart or boaster.

Tags: humor, humour, words, english, scatological tinntinnabulations

Help, my name's Lolita!

Fri, 02 May 2008 05:01:37 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead

Clip Source: news.bbc.co.uk

"Names come in and out of favour," says Pamela Redmond Satran, a naming expert and author of eight books on baby names

"Monica is a good example in the US. The name had been inching up

But in 1998, after the Monica Lewinsky scandal broke, the name slipped to 105 and went down even further the next year

The name Katrina has also declined in popularity in the US following Hurricane Katrina.

Adolf and Judas are now extremely rare

One man who has struggled more than most with his moniker is Lucifer Howse, a 33-year-old alternative medicine practitioner in Brighton.

When he picked up his driving licence a few years ago, the woman behind the counter barked Biblical phrases at him and shouted: "It's you. I know it's you."

strange names can sometimes become self-fulfilling prophecies.

"A study has shown that kids with a name like 'Lethal' are more likely to grow up to commit crimes - though of course parents who would name their child 'Lethal' are probably not aiming to be class mom."

Tags: humour, humor

Evil Celebrity Clowns

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 05:16:11 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead
clipper's remarks: Photoshop fun!

Clip Source: www.worth1000.com

Drew "Clammy" Carey

The evil celebrity clown of my choice is one of my favorite celebrities, Hugh Laurie.

Keanu Reeves can be worse than Pennywise..

Bruce Killis

Christopher Walken wiping off what's left of his late night snack.

Keanu Reeves
as

---Suicidal Mime---

Evil Vince

angelina jolie

KeiraClown

Redhead Kidman

Evil Angelina

Dustin Hoffman- evil clown

Tom Cruise After Dark

Mother Clown

Tags: humor, humour, funny, celebrities, entertainment

The 50 Greatest Comedy Sketches of all Time

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 22:14:09 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead
clipper's remarks: Which is you favorite?

Clip Source: www.nerve.com

50. "More Cowbell," Saturday Night Live, 2000

This sketch provided a showcase for Will Ferrell's mugging and Jimmy Fallon's snickering

with a sterling performance by Christopher Walken

48. "Gerald Ford Dead at 83," Saturday Night Live, 1996

Dana Carvey impersonates Tom Brokaw pre-taping the announcement of former president Gerald Ford's death

46. "Celebrity Jeopardy!," Saturday Night Live, 1996

"I'll take The Rapists for $200."

"That's Therapists."

41. "Chicken Lady at the Strip Show," Kids in the Hall, 1991

[Video]

Clip Source: www.ifc.com

38. White, White Baby - In Living Color

[Video]

"I'm white and I'm capitalizing / On a trend that's currently rising / I'm livin' large and my bank is stupid / Cause I just listen to real rap and dupe it"

35. I Know Black People - Chappelle's Show

33. The Spanish Inquisition - Monty Python

[Video]

32. Four Yorkshiremen - At Last the 1948 Show

[Video]

31. Four Candles - The Two Ronnies

[Video]

Clip Source: www.nerve.com

22. "Went With the Wind," The Carol Burnett Show, 1976

[Video]

Tags: humor, humour, funny, bizarre, entertainment

Justice for Ugly People

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 18:40:28 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead
clipper's remarks: "In Britain, of course, we would have less of a political hurdle to overcome, as our sturdy leader has been bred for stomping around the grounds of a manse in Kirkcaldy rather than insinuating himself round the luscious forms of sultry tango dancers."

Clip Source: www.guardian.co.uk

Clip Source: lifeandhealth.guardian.co.uk

an Argentine writer has been applying himself to wider questions of social injustice. Gonzalo Otalora has written a book entitled ¡Feo! (Ugly!), which calls for the taxation of good-looking people to counteract the natural advantages they have over munters.

"Countless studies show that ... it's easier for them to find jobs; they're paid more and find partners more easily," he says.

As you may possibly have already suspected, the genesis of Mr Otalora's tome lies in his years as a pallid, bespectacled, bepustuled youth in Buenos Aires, where he stood out like a sore, myopic thumb amid his buff compatriots

Some men would simply have retired, defeated - or moved to Britain - but Otalora used his experiences to formulate his radical policy of redistributive justice for the greater good.

We could either tax all celebrities or have a 24-hour-a-day reality show in which every member of society is assessed as taxably hot or not by a panel of vituperative judges.

Tags: humour, humor, society, politics

Hillary Clinton's Tall Tale Generator

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 23:54:55 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead
clipper's remarks: Refresh the page to get more.

Clip Source: www.somethingawful.com

Hillary Clinton never thought Sinbad was funny, but she kept it to herself.

Hillary Clinton was on PT109 and actually saved Jack Kennedy's life. The Boys Club would have you think different.

Hillary Clinton not only WILL be ready on day one, she HAS been ready since day one, the first day A.D., when her destiny was foretold in the cries of the infant Christ.

Hillary Clinton vowed to hold them off, just get to the airlock!

Hillary Clinton ejected from her F-16 to install a water pump in an African village.

Hillary Clinton personally visited 80 countries and 7 planets during her time as First Lady.

Hillary Clinton saw good men die face down in the muck so you could burn that flag, hippie.

Hillary Clinton weathered the winter in Valley Forge.

Hillary Clinton para-glided into a lava chimney to accept the surrender of the Morlocks.

Hillary Clinton was on the corporate board of Wal-Mart to destroy them from the inside.

Tags: humor, humour, funny, idiots, politics

FAILBLOG

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 22:58:18 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead
clipper's remarks: lol...

Clip Source: failblog.wordpress.com

Tags: humor, humour, funny, bizarre, idiots

Who's a pretty naughty boy? Barney the foul-mouthed parrot

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 05:43:03 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead
clipper's remarks: "We have got another African Grey called Sunny who squawks 'shut up' at them when the swearing starts - but they don't take any notice."

Clip Source: www.dailymail.co.uk

First he told the mayoress in rather forthright terms to go away.

Then Barney the swearing parrot used more Anglo-Saxon language on a vicar and two police officers.

But, worse still, he is now teaching his bad habits to two other birds at the wildlife sanctuary where he lives.

"I knew that Barney could swear but what has happened is shocking," said sanctuary owner Geoff Grewcock.

"He's been teaching the other two when we had our backs turned.

"It sounds like a builders' yard, with all the abuse flying about."

In 2005, Barney told the local mayoress to f*** off during a civic visit and then turned to two police officers and a vicar and added: "You can f*** off too, w******!"

Mr Grewcock said: "We have tried everything to get Barney to curb his language and now we have got another two to contend with.

"These birds can live until they are 70 so there are potentially another 60 years of this to contend with."

Tags: funny, humor, humour, birds, parrots

‘Those 72 virgins are all guys’

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 07:09:58 GMT

clipped by: CrazyRedHead

Clip Source: newsbiscuit.com

The war on terror took a new turn today with the launch of a bold new propaganda campaign aimed at preventing any more suicide bombers in Iraq or elsewhere in the Middle East.

US intelligence has distributed leaflets in Arabic stating that due to the high demands that have been placed on Paradise by so many Islamic martyrs, the powers that be have had to widen the definition of ‘virgin.’

‘But when the Koran said ‘virgins’, they never specified whether they were chicks or guys…’ said a US source in Iraq. ‘What we are saying is that with so many martyrs arriving in Paradise, the babes all got taken ages ago.

if you choose to be a suicide bomber it means you want

sex with guys.

Leaflets have been dropped over suspected Al Qaeda training camps, explaining that anyone who decides to be a suicide bomber must be a great big gay.

The suicide bomber is saying ‘Do you think these explosives make my bum look big?’

this tactic could mark the turning point against the insurgents.

Tags: satire, humour, humor, religion