Clipmarks | Brimstone's 'humour' clips

Let Me UPRAYEDD You

Fri, 30 May 2008 10:57:32 GMT

clipped by: Brimstone
clipper's remarks: I really loved this movie, it was so dumb, but fuuny

You see gentlemen, a pimp's love is very different then a square's...

Real facts of health and fitness

Thu, 15 May 2008 10:52:25 GMT

clipped by: Brimstone
clipper's remarks: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming “ WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

Clip Source: www.nmmu.ac.za

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it..........don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Tags: health, humour

George Carlin Quotes

Thu, 15 May 2008 09:12:47 GMT

clipped by: Brimstone
clipper's remarks: Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Clip Source: www.digitaldreamdoor.com

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Tags: humour

Classics from The Onion

Mon, 12 May 2008 12:52:57 GMT

clipped by: Brimstone
clipper's remarks: Bill needs an Heir:
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/clinton_chastises_hillary_for

Angels Vs. Aliens:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28937

Suddam Sex Scandal:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28947

Mid-life Crises:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28962

The Best a Man Can get:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33930

Some articles I found funny

Clip Source: grow.ars-informatica.ca

Clip Source: en.wikipedia.org

The Onion is an American "fake news" organization. It features satirical articles reporting on international, national, and local news as well as an entertainment newspaper

It claims a national print circulation of 690,000^[1] and says 61 percent of its web site readers are between 18 and 44 years old per the 2008 media kit.

Tags: news, humour

In my bid to assist the public

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 14:00:00 GMT

clipped by: Brimstone
clipper's remarks: Cheers

Clip Source: annbradley.blog.co.uk

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli) - bacteria found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of doodoos.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or spirits) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting

Remember:
Water = Doodoos,
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

Tags: humour

Comedy Centrals 100 best Comedians

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 09:29:34 GMT

clipped by: Brimstone
clipper's remarks: 44. Joan Rivers
43. Dave Chappelle
42. Flip Wilson
41. Jon Stewart

40. Mort Sahl
39. Billy Crystal
38. Bill Maher
37. Martin Lawrence
36. Jim Carrey
35. Phyllis Diller
34. Buddy Hackett
33. Andy Kaufman
32. Albert Brooks
31. George Burns

30. Garry Shandling
29. Milton Berle
28. Jack Benny
27. Jay Leno
26. Ray Romano
25. Bob Hope
24. Redd Foxx
23. Steven Wright
22. Robert Klein
21. Dennis Miller

20. Sam Kinison
19. Bill Hicks
18. Jonathan Winters
17. Don Rickles
16. Ellen Degeneres
15. David Letterman
14. Bob Newhart
13. Robin Williams
12. Jerry Seinfeld
11. Johnny Carson

10. Eddie Murphy
9. Roseanne Barr
8. Bill Cosby
7. Rodney Dangerfield
6. Steve Martin
5. Chris Rock
4. Woody Allen
3. Lenny Bruce
2. George Carlin
1. Richard Pryor

Clip Source: everything2.com

100. Gallagher
99. Janeane Garofalo
98. Louis C.K.
97. Sandra Bernhard
96. Joey Bishop
95. Andrew Dice Clay
94. David Alan Grier
93. George Wallace
92. Louie Anderson
91. Jim Breuer

90. Dana Carvey
89. Kevin James
88. Paula Poundstone
87. Brett Butler
86. Jay Mohr
85. David Cross
84. Drew Carey
83. Norm MacDonald
82. Howie Mandel
81. Dick Gregory

80. Bobby Slayton
79. Dom Irerra
78. Cedric The Entertainer
77. Paul Reiser
76. Robert Schimmel
75. Eddie Izzard
74. Paul Rodriguez
73. Elaine Boosler
72. Bernie Mac
71. Red Buttons

70. Wanda Sykes
69. Pat Cooper
68. Dave Attel
67. Kevin Pollack
66. Shelley Burman
65. Sinbad
64. Richard Belzer
63. Jackie Mason
62. Eddie Griffin
61. Bobcat Goldthwait

60. Jeff Foxworthy
59. Gilbert Gottfried
58. Larry Miller
57. Richard Jeni
56. Colin Quinn
55. Alan King
54. D.L. Hughley
53. David Brenner
52. Damon Wayans
51. Lewis Black

50. Denis Leary
49. Freddie Prinze
48. Tim Allen
47. Henny Youngman
46. Adam Sandler
45. Richard Lewis

44. Joan Rivers

Tags: humour

"Poop Vanilla and Endless Soup" & and other weird research topics

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 12:05:33 GMT

clipped by: Brimstone
clipper's remarks: Also, vanilla fragrance can be effectively extracted from cow dung, and hamsters given Viagra cope better with jetlag.

Clip Source: improbable.com

"Sword Swallowing and Its Side Effects."

studying how sheets become wrinkled

Wrinkling of an Elastic Sheet Under Tension

doing a census of all the mites, insects, spiders, pseudoscorpions, crustaceans, bacteria, algae, ferns and fungi with whom we share our beds each night

for showing that rats sometimes cannot tell the difference between a person speaking Japanese backwards and a person speaking Dutch backwards

for her study of the word "the" -- and of the many ways it causes problems for anyone who tries to put things into alphabetical order

for instigating research & development on a chemical weapon -- the so-called "gay bomb" -- that will make enemy soldiers become sexually irresistible to each other

for exploring the seemingly boundless appetites of human beings, by feeding them with a self-refilling, bottomless bowl of soup

discovery that Viagra aids jetlag recovery in hamsters

for exploring and explaining why woodpeckers don't get headaches

showing that dung beetles are finicky eaters

Tags: research, humour

The worlds funniest joke.

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 08:57:27 GMT

clipped by: Brimstone

Clip Source: archives.cnn.com

The world's funniest joke has been revealed after a year-long search by scientists.

The LaughLab research, carried out by psychologist Dr. Richard Wiseman, from the University of Hertfordshire, attracted more than 40,000 jokes and almost two million ratings.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Wiseman said: "These results are really interesting. It suggests that people from different parts of the world have fundamentally different senses of humour.

Tags: funny, joke